paanong ito'y mali

Sa problema, kontradiksyon at pagiging tanga

2007-10-11T02:34:00.000+08:00

Halos gabi-gabi kong iniiyakan ang mga bagay-bagay. Napakaraming kontradiksyon ang kailangan kong bakahin. Pero hindi naman ako nagrereklamo dahil gusto ko naman ang lahat ng ito. Gusto ko ng pagbabago. Gusto ko ang ginagawa ko. Kaya kung isang araw bigla na lang akong maglaho, sinisigurado ko na wala akong pagsisisihan dahil nagmamahal lang naman ako ng lubusan.

Isa akong bata na pinalaki sa maayos na tahanan, sa masayang pamilya at matinong mga paaralan. Pero sa kabila ng langit na kung saan ako lumaki, namuo sa akin ang galit na hindi ko malaman kung saan nagmumula. Kahit kailan, wala pa akong kinaharap na malaking problema.

Naalala ko noong nasa ika-6 na baitang ako, sa amin retreat, pinagsalita ang bawat isa sa harap. Kailangan naming sabihin ang aming mga hinaing sa aming mga magulang na kasama rin namin sa kwarto. Hindi ko alam kung anong masasabi ko. Gusto ko sanang arestuhin ang palagian nilang pagpunta sa mga prayer meetings at pag-iwan sa amin tuwing gabi pero isang retreat iyon. Sa oryentasyon ng simbahan, mabuti ang pag-alis ng mga magulang at pag-iwan sa mga anak sa gitna ng gabi dahil ang mga ito ay para naman magdasal at kumanta ng papuri sa Diyos. Kaya sinabi ko na lang na sa pakiramdam ko, wala silang tiwala sa akin dahil palagi nila akong pinagbibintangan na may ka-relasyon.

Kababawan.

Ganoon lang yata talaga ang konsepto ko ng problema sa buhay. Hindi ko talaga maugat ang galit ko. At ang galit ng henerasyong ito ng mga kabataan.

Pero ngayon, malinaw na ang lahat. Ang lipunang ginagalawan natin, kahit hindi ramdam ng mga maliliit na burgesya na tulad ko ang kalam ng sikmura at ginaw ng gabi sa kalsada, ay pinalaki tayo sa marahas at mapanlinlang na pamamaraan.

Ang akala nating galit dahil iniwan tayo ng ating mga minamahal.
Ang akala nating galit dahil hindi tayo kasing-payat ng mga modelo sa telebisyon.
Ang akala nating galit dahil masaya lang makinig ng emo at maglagay ng eyeliner.

Lahat ng ito ay ebidensya kung paanong naaapi ang ating mga pagkatao ng mga paniniwalang isinusuksok ng lipunang ito sa atin upang manatili tayong bulag sa mga tunay na problema.

Problema ng mga manggagawang hindi nabibigyan ng karampatang sahod.
Problema ng mga magsasakang inaagawan ng lupa.
Problema ng mga ama at inang kailangang pumasa-ibang bansa.
Problema ng mga nadedemolisiyong bahay.
Problema ng mga taong pinagkaitan ng maayos na buhay para sa ikauunlad ng iilan.

Lahat ng ito, buong buhay na isinilid sa isang kahon na tinatawag na HINDI KO BUHAY. Pero alam ko na na mali ito. Ayoko nang mabuhay para sa sarili ko lamang. Sabi ng nanay ko kanina, isang katangahan na problemahin ko ang problema ng buong Pilipinas. Kung isa itong katangahan, napakatalino lang pala ng karamihan. At kung totoo nga ito, mas pipiliin ko pa ring maging tanga. nang paulit-ulit. nang tuluy-tuloy. nang walang tigil hangang sa aking huling hininga.

ang pagbaba

2007-10-07T11:50:00.000+08:00

Pagpasok ko sa kwarto, parang nabalik ako sa panahong nagkukulong ako at nagpapatugtog ng malalakas na musika ng mga banda mula sa malalayong lupain. Nakikita ko pa rin ang mga nakakalat kong babasahin kahit sa totoo, binenta na ang mga iyon ni Ina nang lumisan ako, nang matanggap na niya na lumisan ako.

Binuksan ko ang aking tukador, tila walang nagalaw. Kakatuwang isipin na hindi ko pa rin nagagalaw ang mga nabili kong damit mula sa Divisoria. Sumweldo kasi ako noon at para makarami sa bagong damit, doon ako namili. Hindi ako dumalo sa isang mob para lamang magawa iyon. Sayang talaga lalo pa't hindi na rin ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na masuot sila. Iyon rin kasi yung panahon na nawalan ako ng ganang mag-ayos ng sarili. Ganoon naman hindi ba, 'pag alam mong mas maraming bagay ang mas mahalaga pa kaysa sa pag-iisip ng isusuot mo.

Napalingon ako sa kama at wala itong sapin. Nasaan na kaya yung tinahi ko dati? Sayang rin nga pala ang makinang niregalo sa akin nila Ama, siguro nangalawang na lang sa kahon. Wala naman kasi sa mga kapatid ko ang may tiyagang manahi at magdisenyo ng mga damit. Sa bagay, kahit ako, nawalan na rin ng interes. Mas masaya yatang maggamas at magtanim.

Sa isang sulok nakatambak ang mga ginuhit kong larawan. At dito, hindi ko na nakayanan. Mabilis ang pagdaloy ng luha sa aking mga mata, tila ba pagdaloy ng dugo ng mga sugatang kasama. Matigas na ang mga munti kong palad, hindi na bagay humawak ng pintura at mga materyales sa paglikha ng sining.

Totoo ngang marami akong naiwanan.

Kumatok ang nakababata kong kapatid at sinabing kakain na raw. Dagli akong nagpahid ng luha at nagligpit ng mga kinalat kong mga piraso ng alaala. Lumabas ako ng kwarto at dumiretso sa hapag-kainan kung saan nakaupo na ang lahat ng miyembro ng aking pamilya. Gusto nang sumabog ng mga katanungan ko sa dibdib. Kumusta na ba ang pag-aaral, kalusugan, pag-ibig, kaibigan nila? Panganay pa rin talaga akong kapatid ng mga naglalakihang batang ito. Hindi na kami nag-aagawan sa upuan at nag-aaway sa kung sino ang tatayo para kumuha ng kanin. Tahimik na kami. Hindi na kailangan pang sawayin. Kung buhay pa sana silang dalawa, paniguradong matutuwa sila.

Nang ibaba ko ang kutsara't tinidor sa gilid ng plato ko, biglang nabasag ang katahimikan sa tanong ng bunso kong kapatid.

"Ate, babalik ka pa doon?"

2007-10-06T04:38:00.000+08:00

Those who shy away from the contradictions of the current political system in the Philippines, I dare you to remain in your comfort zones once this very system is shattered. When we raise the flags of the oppressed and tear down the one belonging to the oppressor, you must not watch for your eyes was kept shut while we were shedding blood, tears, lives. We are not your enemies, yet you treat us with great disdain, fearing the very idea of being attached with us. More than our demonized image, this reflects how skewed your views are and how you seem to leap into conclusions without critical analysis of things. We are not to blame. We are those who push for change, an idea so bitter to your thoughts yet you rant and rant about this society yet you always press the idea that you have no choice. We all have choices, if only you are brave enough to fight for them.

kilala mo pa rin ba ako?

2007-10-06T04:13:00.001+08:00

na para bang hindi na darating pa ang umaga
na siyang nakatakdang sumikat

ngunit sa isang tabi, isang kandila ang nagniningning,
nagpupuyos sa munti niyang gilid
nililiwanagan ang nauupos na pag-asa
na paggising sa umaga, babatiin ako
at hahagkan na parang walang naganap na kaguluhan

kalayaan
___

operation: buhayin ang blogger na blog

___

hindi naman sa marami akong oras kaya bubuhayin ang isa pang blog. marami lang kasi talagang nagaganap at maraming masasabi. ayokong nang maupo na lamang sa isang tabi at mangming isigaw na mga paksyet kayo! ambulok ng sistemang ito!

___

masarap ang pakiramdam na hayag mong naisisigaw ang nais mo.

back to LJ

2007-03-26T23:41:00.000+08:00

Will be posting in my LJ for now. Add me if you have an account there.
(still thinking if I'll be cross-posting my entries in multiply or not)

The largest I've seen

2007-03-18T16:36:00.000+08:00

This mausoleum is so big, the caretakers call it "megamall."

Grabe talaga. Kahit we already know that it's size is equivalent to 6 normal-sized mausoleum, overwhelming pa rin nung nakita namin in person. Hindi ko nga mapagkasya sa isang frame. I had to photostitch three photos para lang ma-capture ng buo. Nakikita niyo ba yung red things sa gitna ng photo? Yan ang mga groupmates ko. Ganyan sila kaliit at ganyan ka-massive ang mala-palasyong himalayang ito.

By the way, isa pa lang ang nakalagak diyan. Yung matriarch yata nung pamilya. Tapos, nakareserve ang 40 bonebanks, at ilan pang nitso (I forgot kung ilan eh basta lampas 10 yata).

LIKE WOAH.

The mausoleum has a bedroom sa second floor, above the kitchen. Kumpleto talaga with CR, dining room, etc. May mga expensive objects sa loob like coffee tables na ceramics ATA yung material basta mukhang mamahalin.

Sa tapat nung main door, merong malaking cross. sa left side ng cross,may statue ni Mary. Sa right side, si Buddha. Hydrid di ba. Sa taas ng altar na ito ay isang dome na pinagawa pa nung may-ari sa ibang bansa.

LIKE WOAH AGAIN.

Can't help but wonder kung saan maaring mapunta pa ang perang ginastos nila dito...

Sa red cross kaya? Sa GK? Sa kythe? sa helping hands?

Tss...

Sabi nga ni Rom Dongeto (at HINDI ni colt45/pepsi endorser Bamboo),

habang may tatsulok...

ayun lang.

2007-03-12T22:03:00.000+08:00

It's ego-crushing and heart-grinding to tell someone you like that you think you are not good enough (very long first sentence). Not that it's the first time I felt this. But this is the first time I actually did it. This is so depressing.

Maybe this is the first step towards decreasing my man-sized ego.

Oh wait. Not really. Last Wednesday, I apologized to my motorsports classmates because they blamed me for all the mishaps we had. I told them that maybe they weren't mishaps but errors-- my errors, because I am not that good in directions (maybe, just like them?). Imagine, I actually allowed Carlo to belittle me. I think, it gave him a very good feeling. Kind of refreshing for him (ok stop, I am being mean).

Another, on our way back to Manila, Caloi and I played pitik-bulag on the bus. I was such a loser. My hand was so red so I gave up. I told Caloi that he just found a game that he is very good at.

I am not really good at telling people that they are better than me. Most of the time, I shut my mouth instantly when I realize that. But now, I am trying to praise people more often.

a little preview from our trip
(yuck parang angspecial)

I still haven't uploaded our photos from the field trip because I am super busy right now. I had a fun time with Caloi. I think we had the most laughs (and giggles haha) on our "fuckkillmarry" game. I pirated the game from somebody's blog. and it goes like this: another person will give you three names and you will decide who among these three will you fuck, kill and marry.

I had the hardest time deciding on the first set that Caloi gave me. But I am proud to say that I chose to KILL "neo." Actually, after that, Caloi wouldn't include him anymore because he was sure to be killed. haha. double-dead.

Here were SOME of the sets I gave Caloi, try to guess how he assigned them:
mam moreno, mam dacquel, mam nuestro
oprah, PGMA, (I forgot the last one)
james, jonas, carlo
lorine, ruth, kimie (peace!)

mutual misunderstanding

2007-03-06T22:58:00.000+08:00

Magaling magaling. Gustung-gusto na kitang palakpakan. Natutumbok mo ang lahat ng gusto kong sabihin (at hindi sabihin). Apir. Friends nga tayo.

or not?

2007-03-01T22:49:00.000+08:00

for a period

no, this is not the end

of one month

not even self-imposed

the antonym of visibility

in terms of all existence there is

would be

if this is still within my control

missing it

2007-02-25T23:25:00.000+08:00

I'm in a state of shock.

Bakit ganoon?

Corrupted yung DVD kung saan nilagay ko yung lahat ng photos ko from Gelene's birthday (Nov24), pag-alis ni Kate, Imma's debut, photoshoot with Kimie and HIV, fastfood sessions, lantern parade, Manila, Magallanes, vanity photos, Kimie's shooting, etc.. hanggang sa fanatic photo with Ping.

Nabura ko na lahat ng iyon sa pc at inenjoy ko pa yung crunchy sound ng empty recycle bin.

Thank God, may multiply.

Pero paano na yung mga hindi ko pinost sa multiply?

Moments attempted to be preserved are now moments eternally lost.

Sad.

Nakakapanlambot ng tuhod...

It's time to post a sad song

2007-02-24T01:40:00.001+08:00

Far away you've gone, and left me here
So cold without you, so lonely dear
May June July I count the time
Every minute I go takes the smell of your clothes
Further away

'Cause you've gone away
Where there isn't a telephone wire
Still I wait by the phone
You don't even write to say goodbye
Goodbye

I have saved every piece of paper
Like grocery lists and note cards
To do lists and race scores
So just in case you change your mind
And come back, I've kept everything safe

While you're gone away
Where there isn't a telephone wire
Still I wait by the phone
You don't even write to say goodbye

Get me out get me off
Get me out get me off
Oh this is a ride going nowhere
But somewhere that I despise
Going nowhere to end up with a tearful
I don't wanna go on with these pieces of paper
That you left behind

This is a ride going nowhere
But somewhere that I despise
Going nowhere to end up with a tearful
I don't wanna go on with these pieces of paper
To keep me company in my old age

While you're gone away
Where there isn't a telephone wire
Still I wait by the phone
Why don't you write to say goodbye
Goodbye

gone away
my brightest diamond

Who was with Ping Medina?

2007-02-21T18:38:00.000+08:00

Napapaisip talaga ako dun sa ImaheNasyon, kung ano ba talaga yung kunek ng mga pinapalabas sa konsepto. Hindi tuloy namin naubos ni Mai ang aming nacho cheese at sourcream popcorn. Tsk. Pero matino talaga. At kung kras niyo si Ping tulad ko, isang higanteng eyecandy ito!

Spoiler man, pero paborito ko yung tungkol sa utak (Local Unit by Tad Ermitaño). Na by 2072, ang mga maralitang Pilipino, magbebenta na ng mga utak para lang mabuhay ang kanilang mga pamilya. Kahit wala si Ping sa film na iyon, ok lang. Ay nandun pala siya, nakaprint yung mukha niya sa tshirt. Isa ko pa ring paborito yung "Barado. " Kinuhanan siya sa isang CR sa Chem Pav. Kailan kaya yun ginawa, sayang hindi ko nakita.

I couldn't stop talking about Kate while we were on the trip. Kasi naman mula ng umalis siya nagabstinence na ako sa pagwiwindow shopping. Kanina na lang ulit..Isang malaking factor sa buhaybahay ko ang kaplpakan ng cellphone ko. Epal nga naman, sa tuwing may kailangang kitain sa UP mag-ooff. hmpf. Kapag tatawagan ako, malolowbat. Hay naku. Ayan tuloy hindi na ako makapag-after class lakwatsa. Kamalasan.

Narealize ko talaga kung gaano ako ka-giddy giddy girl. Sus naman. Antanda ko na pero ganito pa rin ako. So hayskul. So fangirl. No wonder nahulaan agad ni Ping na mga estudyante kami. Kung hindi lang talaga nagsshake ang mga kamay ko, gagayahin ko si Mai na nakipagshake hands. Augh. Di bale, shinake ko na lang rin hands ni Mai afterwards. haha.

Aysus, andaming kulay ng kuko ko kakagamit ng mga tester na nail polish. Pero hindi ko muna buburahin para remembrance ng araw na ito. Such a day. Salamat Mai!

click

Is this 126?

2007-02-18T02:50:00.000+08:00

I think I found a gorgeous photo with 126 in it. WOAH. The photo is from Jospeh's LJ. I don't really know him but he's from UP and he hangs out in "Chinatown." His photos were really great. Ayoko na sanang ipromote siya kasi I'm all insecure because he's on LJ spotlight pero I have no choice but to drop his link here. haha.

Kaso, about the photo, I'm having some doubts if this is really the person I admire from afar.

Nathania, si 126 ba yan?

But in case that person is not 126, well, I crush him too now! Sabi nga ni Kate, "The lips!"

On another note, nandito na naman ako sa phase na kinaaasaran ko ang sarili ko kasi nahihilig ako ng sobra sa photography.

Bakit ako naaasar?

Nadadalian ako sa proseso ng paggawa ng magagandang photographs. Point and shoot digital cameras at the magic of photoshop.

I always feel guilty when I enhance photos in photoshop. Purist na ideya. But I have nothing against utilizing photoshop's magic. I even use it myself. There's nothing wrong in taking advantage of the technological advances. But these advances also make it hard to distinguish people who are actually good in TAKING photos and those who are good at ENHANCING them digitally or those who are good at both. I have respect for the three kind but I really think that it is important to distinguish them from one another. Para sa akin, malaking pagkakaiba talaga.

I really can't help but love photographs, and taking them and posting them online. Kasi nga, it's easier to produce wonderful things from it, capture something from the material world and express things I have in my mind than drawing/sketching and writing. Ewan.

Before I end this incoherent post, I just want to say that Jared Leto's eyes and the lunacy encapsulated in them are amazing (in Requiem for a dream). The hottest person I saw in skinny jeans is Ewan Mcgregor (trainspotting). Ping Medina, I crush you but I'm too shy to drop a comment on your blog/multiply because I don't want to be a giddy fangirl (but I really am a giddy fangirl of yours!). hahaha.

Daming boys ah. Kasi walang boys.
Ay anlabo ko.

The heart's day is done

2007-02-15T00:07:00.000+08:00

This is kind of late but I hope all of you had a happy day.

I did!

Thanks to Hannah Caloi and Gelene.
(Plus the "itlog" that really made me laugh!)

"learn how to segregate your hearts"

at Vinzon's Hall while waiting for Gelene

onti na lang macoconvince na ulit akong mag-LJ.

hahaha

balentimmmmes kwento

2007-02-14T00:49:00.000+08:00

Hindi siya nananalamin kanina nung dumungaw ako mula sa bintana ng bus na sinasakyan ko. Saplot ko ang usok at alikabok mula EDSA hanggang C5, pati ang kagustuhan kong kumaripas ng takbo palayo sa mundo.

Masasabi kong ayaw ko na magpaistorbo.

Kaso kasi araw-araw kong inaabangan ang pagdaan sa Honeylette. Gusto kong nakikita siya na sumasayaw sa harap ng salamin. Kahit nakakabadtrip.

Tuwing ganoon ang sitwasyon, parang napakasaya niya. Hinahaplos niya ang kanyang buhok na parang walang inaalala, parang alam niyang sa pagsapit ng dilim, marami ang magnanasa sa kanya.

Sa araw-araw na nakikita ko siya na masaya, naiinis ako sa ideya na andun siya, sa impyerno na naliligiran ng makamundong pagnanasa at kahirapan. Ako naman, pauwi sa isang tila paraisong tahanan, masayang pamilya, masaganang buhay, pero hindi ko man lang madampi ang kamay ko sa buhok tulad ng ginagawa niya.

Kanina, sabay ang lungkot at tuwa na naramdaman ko nung nakaupo lang siya sa harap ng Honeylette, hindi masaya, mukhang walang magawa. Paano, ang mga nagnanasa sa kanya, nasa bahay o di kaya sa mga romantikong kainan. Paano kasi balentimes. Araw ng mga puso. Pusong may may-ari.

Lahat sila may may-ari. Walang natira doon sa babae sa may Honeylette kahit pagnanasa. Kasi balentimes.

Nung maisip ko ang mga ito, tinanggal ko agad ang tingin ko mula sa kanya.

"Kulang na lang impyerno at kahirapan, wala na kaming pagkakaiba."

Tumingala na lang ako sa nangangalawang sa kisame ng bus. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, pauwi ako sa langit kaya hindi kami magkapareho. Hindi pwede. Hindi ako naghihintay kasi pauwi na ako. Pagod na ako sa buong araw na klase sa Masscomm. At bukas, gagawa ako ng langit sa lupa. At hindi ako maghihintay. Hindi kami pareho.

Pero pagmamasdan ko siya ulit bukas.

*

2007-02-13T00:59:00.000+08:00

It should've been enough to post about my whole day. I think this egocentrism is getting more and more problematic. But what can I do? The night is a much separate entity from the the day. Bipolarity and all of a kolehiyalang hilaw.

Project: Dig in for complexities.

Complexity 1:
I have two cameras in front of me- the little boon of modernity and a light from the past. But somehow, I can't care enough visuals at this moment. I care about asdfghjkl---->letters. I wrote three poems in a day because I wanted to. But I couldn't find anything from my core. Just the frustration of not finding anything. Period.

Complexity 2:
I forgot. I forget. I tried hard. HARRRRRRRRRD. To forget about your lame reasoning, your fragile kindness and all about your weaknesses. But still, you remain an artifact reminding me of who was the person I almost loved. And now I begin to question, how then could I say I forgot about it at all?

Complexity 3:
Don't you have any plan of... ahhh! Never mind.

Complexity 4:
I've been tracing people's lives, connecting one entry to another as if everything is the reality. And, as if this particular reality matters to me. I get disappointed when they turn sad, mad, bad. I get heartbroken when they do. And most of all, I want to scream I love you like how they do. But to who?

A Day. It was that simple.

2007-02-12T21:27:00.000+08:00

(Sana may LJ-cut ulit)

Kakaiba ang araw na ito. I love every minute detail of it. Mukhang natutunan ko na namang hanapin si Happyness sa mga bagay-bagay. Yey!

Nagsimula ang araw sa series of kamalasan. Traffic at walang masakyan. Sakto pa, reporting ko sa first subject. At heto pa, ni hindi man lang ako nagbasa nung irereport. Sa bagay, anu nga namang bago sa hindi ko pag-aaral. O basta ayun, lampas 30mins akong late, buti na lang late din lahat ng ka-group ko kaya hindi nagsimula. Pero naman, kabobohan ko. I misinterpreted something about Cesar Legaspi.

Prof: Sigurado ka ba diyan sa nabasa mo?

Me: Opo, nabasa ko po eh (at sa pagkakaalala ko nakabold pa yung text) na may Chiaroscuro collection of paintings si Legaspi.

Prof: Anung source mo diyan? Baka nalilito ka lang. LOLO ko kasi si Legaspi.

Me: OH. (nervously rummages her readings) Ay Ma'am sorry po.

I looked so stupid. Garr. I was even stuttering during the report. Kailan ko ba maacquire ang communication skills ng karamihan sa kolehiyo ko?!

(AY! While typing this post, I found out that the Chiaroscuro by Cesar Legaspi was really a series of paintings. Yes I was right. But still, I looked stupid. sheesh. I'll redeem myself next meeting.)

Habang pababa ako ng hagdanan pagkatapos ng klase na 'yon sobrang nahihiya ako sa sarili ko. Sinusumbatan ko siya: "Ah Anna Lee, ikaw ba yung may sabing MAHAL mo ang sining? Ni hindi mo nga maintindihan mga pinagsasasabi mo eh." OUCH.

Dinaan ko na lang sa pakikinig ng musika ang kahihiyan ko. Tapos, tumungo sa Arki para sa susunod na klase. Mga 2 oras pa bago mag-time kaya naman natulog muna ako sa himig ng What A Wonderful World na version ni James Morrison. It turned out na parang free day pala kami sa klaseng iyon kaya Jenny and I had an hour and a half to stray.

Guess where we went?

Inaya ko siya sa FA. BOOHOO sobrang pagfifeeling na yan ah. Jenny and I talked about artsy stuffs over her pieces of siomai. Fun!

Fast forward...

After my last class, I headed to our previous neghborhood to get the old SLR camera from my Tito. Yes, I got it! Bago ako makarating sa bahay, tinext ako ng tatay ko, isasabay daw ako. Hintayin ko daw siya sa XY coordinate na siya namang ginawa ko. Pero nung andun na siya, kinailngan ko pang gawing parke ang highway ng C5 para lang makarating sa kanya. Naglakad ako sa gilid ng island. Lahat ng mga truck driver sinusutsutan ako kasi napakaalanganin ng pinili kong maging catwalk. Maryosep.

Pero napakasaya ng pakiramdam-- na hindi ako natakot magmukhang tanga (at mamatay as well. haha).

Pagsakay ko sa kotse, dinaldal ko ang tatay ko tungkol sa mga artistic endeavors niya nung mga panahong kinamayan pa siya ni Imelda sa kahusayan niya sa isang painting contest. Pati artistic roots sa pamilya niya chinika ko. Natuwa ako sa ideya na yung isang kong tito nakatapos ng Mechanical Eng'g pero hindi siya nagpractice out of his "love for art." Sa pagkakaalala ko nagtayo siya ng business, silkscreen ata tapos may recording something. Hindi ko mawari ang terminolohiya, antanda na kasi. Sana buhay pa siya ngayon edi sana idol ko siya kasi hindi rin ako magppractice ng tatapusin kong kurso. HAHAHA joke (half-meant)!

Ayon. Pag-uwi namin ng bahay, pinageksperimentuhan ko yung... err hindi ko alam ang tawag. Basta mga heart-shaped stuffs at kung anu-ano pa. Kay saya talaga. Sabi ko dati sa sarili ko, Sabado lang dapat dinadama ang sining. Ay hindi ko kayang pigilan eh.

Anyone who knows kung anung tawag sa pa-epek na yan? Basta para siyang mga slides na minamount sa SLR, pero nilagay ko sa digicam. Haha

This is in memory of Ruth and Leo (wish there's an LJ cut for this)

2007-02-11T00:16:00.000+08:00

(Sounded like they 've passed away. No.)

I had so much fun with the two of you. I used to be scared for things might be boring for you and you'd realized how much time, effort and money you've wasted just to be with me. I never wanted anyone doing that for me. If there would be any effort and time wasted, I always want it to be mine (money? I don't want to waste any money at all. haha kuripot).

I could narrate everything that happened and make all our other friends envy (because they turned down my invitation! haha) but I couldn't find any coherence in me right now. Every detail of our day was in a way, surreal.

Who wouldv'e thought I'd have the guts to take photos using my poor digicam during the exhibit?

How much of the insights we got from Wawi Navarozza have inspired us?

Did we really laughed that hard over your spaghetti meals?

Why did we decide to walk that long street?

And why did we pose and take emo photos of ourselves on closed stalls, painted walls, an abandoned building, posters, company logos and corporate buildings along Magallanes?

And Leo, why did we allow ourselves to get lost that long?

How come we suddenly became interested on composing a song having "go, let's go sagoww" and "ohhh maayy god, higad" as the only lyrics?

How did we find the place was also a question in spite of Micah's misdirections (hallooo Micah! Leo called you a probinsyana because you said it was just NEAR Farmer's market! hehe..Thank you Mai for enlightening us!).

And when we found Bellini's, why did I forget about the toy cameras I was saving for and decide to eat there in spite of my tight budget?

We know we looked stupid, but why did we take photos of ourselves as if we're dragons/ walruses/ sabertooth tigers at a very romantic restaurant?

Incomprehensible up to now.

It was not extravagant, nor fantastic. It was not any word that could be followed by an exclamation mark. But just the adjectives followed by an ellipsis... for I didn't want it to have a concrete end.

while waiting..

2007-02-10T09:01:00.000+08:00

I'm anxiously waiting for the hair dye to take its effect on my hair. I'm kind of scared.

Yesterday was a fine fine day. I'm not really big on bare-bones entries but I really want to materialize the day's happening.

To have met five HIV friends in one day made it like that. And also the new haircut that robbed any girliness I could ever have. Anyway, I like it. After class, I met Leo at AS so he could accompany me for the haircut session. Then, on the Ateneo area, I saw someone whose blog I was reading online. Wala lang, nakakatuwa. Then, we headed to SM for the meeting. Basta, it was a normal meeting with friends, the overtime on fastfood establishments, the conversations about anything-- from Ruth's insecurity complex with someone, to xientian gossips, to college issues, to missing people, etc. It was like the days when everything was so easy, and when we don't have to wait more than a month just to meet each other.

See, going to SM and meeting friends is already a big deal for us now.Things do change. But sometimes, it's still nice to halt changes in order to give way to some things we wish would be forever.

(sayang, no one brought a camera.)

____
Edit: Raarrr.. Bakit napakaminimal ng effect nung dye? Bakit mukhang brown at hindi purple? sad..

"Ate, bakit ba walang pera basurero?"

2007-02-07T21:57:00.000+08:00

She asked me that question while we were having lunch and the garbage truck passed by. Oo nga naman, bakit ba walang pera eh may trabaho naman, marangal, may pakinabang. Pero why? WHY? WHY?!

Una kong naisip isagot: una kasing dapat tanong, bakit ba basurero lang sila. Pero hindi ko sinabi kasi naisip ko rin, eh ano naman kung hindi sila nakapag-aral? Kapag ba lahat ng tao nakapag-aral hindi na natin kailangan ng basurero? I don't think so.

So malamang ang sagot na naman diyan eh ang stratification ng ating society. I am so much of a mind person kaya feeling ko wala akong karapatang kwestyunin kung bakit ba mas mahal ang bayad pag ginagamitan ng isip ang trabaho mo kaysa sa ginagamitan ng katawan. Sabi nga ng National Bookstore, invest in your mind.

Sabi dati sa anthro, ganoon daw talaga, yung mga scholars they put the mind above the body. Pero isipin natin thoughts are useless without actions. Kailangan talaga we view them equally, that human beings are composed of a dyad that defines their limitations and capacities.

the rest of the photos here

2007-02-04T01:01:00.000+08:00

When

realized

how I cannot

be forever

afraid

of using color

Talk to me

watercolour pencil on paper

062906

wind chill

2007-01-30T23:55:00.000+08:00

Anlamig ng panahon sa ngayon. At ito ay isang masayang bagay. Pwede na nating gayahin ang mga idol na F4 at maglayer layer baga ng damit. Pwede na rin tayong may scarf at bonnet, maski gloves pa tapos boots. Magandang excuse rin para yakapin ang katabi. Hindi nga lang maige na magsuot ng paldang pwedeng liparin ng hangin. Anu ba, para akong weather reporter/fashion consultant. Pero hindi . Gusto ko lang mangiti lalo pa't may mga taong tulad ni Ruth na gusto kong makita na naka off-shoulder daw na long sleeves dahil hinahayaan siya ng panahon. Siguro kung andito si Kate magugustuhan niya rin ang ganito. Siguro si Lorine hindi na yellow kundi ube na. Si Angeline kaya mas puputi? Si Leo siguro mawawala ang pimples dahil lesser oil. Si Kimie siguro nakababa ang windows at sumisigaw ng "Wooooo!" Si Gelene, finally, justified ang paglayer ng kasuotan. Ako, heto at giniginaw, nakabathrobe na galing sa Hawaii at iniisip kung kasama ko lang sana ang mga malalapit na kaibigan e di sana maiibsan ang pagkaulila ko sa kanila.

Smell me, I am infinite.

2007-01-30T01:21:00.000+08:00

Every human being is created with such complexity. Nothing in language can capture the whole essence of even a single person. No matter how many times we try to understand each other and come to the conclusion that we do, there will always be something that we will miss. It might be a little detail like the wink of his eye or as big a fact as the wink of his eye. There will also be those things that we will wish not to see, something like the wink of his eye. And of course, there will be the things that we will always wish to see but never will. Wink of his eye. Never will. In spite of our will. Never.

So we resort to the assumption that what we know about someone is enough. This is not always because we wish to blind ourselves. Sometimes, it is because we have no choice but to accept the little we know. And cherish every particle of it as if all of his universe is uniformly composed of such.

That is the best choice.

No sense in frustrating how we came too close to someone we don't fully understand. No reason to fret why we did not know him enough to be able to foresee his departure.

_______________

Dang. My Myers-Briggs Personality Type has changed.
From an INFP, I am now an INTP. From a feeling person to a thinking person. Whatda. NOOOO.

young no more

2007-01-22T12:51:00.000+08:00

I'm giving myself five minutes to say everything that I wish to announce in this public flea market of mine where I bargain my thoughts for free. That didn't make sense. Whatever.

Yesterday, I spent my day all alone. I was so bitter and lonely and everything else because I had nothing to eat. I tried cooking for myself but I ended up with medium rare longganisa and black sunny side up. darn. I am so incapable.

I woke up this morning thinking that I could finally eat REAL food because my parents were already here. But to my dismay, they didn't make breakfast for me because I usually wake up after lunch.

About to storm back to my room angrily, I realized something. ISA AKONG PALAMUNIN and I have no right to get angry, even just a little. I guess, I am really getting older because I am acknowledging my age right now or that there really exist something called age. I am 18 and I don't even know how to prepare a decent meal for myself. I am so dependent to my parents. And realizing that means I have to do something about it sooner. Just two more years... I need to give them back what they deserve.

Kidlat Tahimik's Talk

2007-01-20T21:35:00.000+08:00

Nakonsensya akong ipost ng buo ang mga kuha ko sa Lopez Museum kasi bawal talaga magpichur. Kaya ayan, maliit lang at cropped!

I had to attend an artist's talk at the Lopez Memorial Museum. Mukhang meet and greet Kidlat Tahimik kasi yung mga tao doon parang tinuring siyang artista, with matching photo op after the discussion. Naiinis ako. Is this a proof of how showbusiness has affected people's way of thinking? Iniisiip ng lahat ng tao kapag may taong nagsalita sa harap blah blah eh kailangan ng atensyon. Buti hindi nila tinanong kung paano magsend ng text votes for him. Tinanong pa kung bakit Kidlat Tahimik ang pangalan niya. Although iniisip ko na rin yun on my way there. Kasi daw, he likes the idea of a silent energy at si Kidlat Tahimik daw ay character niya sa una niyang film.

O baka kaya iba ang dating niya kasi nga Indie filmmaker siya? Like what was said by our ACLE speaker- Sigfreid Sanchez, ang pinakabagong pick-up line na raw ay:
"Hi, I'm an indie filmmaker."

Been talking about this person, baka naman hindi niyo siya kilala. Before this event I've only heard him in some history related stuffs. I just knew he was a filmmaker/artist. At alam ko rin na he was a big name.
I learned a lot of insights from his talk. Not just artsy stuffs but generally about society. He was fed up with the city life. Nakatira na siya ngayon with the Ifugaos in Banaue planting rice. He started teaching the people there how to use the video camera to document their diminishing culture. Iniisip niya na in his little way, maibabalik niya ang pride in being an Ifugao sa kanila.

Just like Sigfreid Sanchez' message, he was trying to encourage people especially independent filmmakers to hear their social conscience. Make films, not for generating money and pleasing Mother Lily, but for the Filipino people to take pride in being a distinct culture.

He also coined his own term for describing the effects of globalization-- LAHARI-ZATION. He forsees the effect of it using the vast lahar plains caused by Mt. Pinaubo's erruption as a metaphor to a homoginized and boring world.

Last na. He also said something about an inner dwende. Ito raw ang unique entity in each of us. He said we have to listen to that voice instead of copying everything we see.

On my way home, I was trying to listen to that inner dwende of mine. Una sabi niya, pumunta daw ako sa Megamall at itry ang Kripy Kremes. And so I did. It was really nothing special. Para lang siyang yung donut na tinitinda sa kantong bakery except that the glaze was a little crispy. Sinayang ko lan ang pera ko. Tapos nung nasa tapat naman ako ng Cubao, inisip kong bumaba ng bus at tumungo sa Cubao X. Kahit silip lang ayos na. For a couple of minutes nakatigil yung bus. AT HINDI PA AKO NAGBABAYAD noon kaya I won't lose anything kung bumaba man ako. But I said no to myself. Iniisip ko kasi it's not time yet. daaaa.. andrama. At saka, mas "cinematic" isulat if this would remain a frustration kaysa pag natupad. haha etchos.

So I spent my bus ride time overthinking. Not thinking over. That would be an understatement. OVERTHINKING: Being an artist. Other people's lives. What is wrong with this country as reflected by the people I saw on the road. If it is right to let Ifugao and other tribes believe in many gods. How do I concieve success. Would I rather be a single parent. That UP students are trained to see that there is something in the world and that they have to make it better. That artists will always have an element of being egocentric. Am I causing moral deterioration by not paying that bus ride. And many more.

2007-01-20T10:45:00.000+08:00

I can't help but smile. :D

2007-01-17T22:19:00.000+08:00

Today made me smile a lot already. I love smiling today. I'm such a giddy giddy person. And today, I am not annoyed by it.

I realized how fun it is to spend time with people. In my UP Diliman life rght now, solitude is so permanent such that being wih other people is a strange occurence. I was telling some of my friends how this kind of environment can cause my insanity. Fortunately, my mind is still in tact and functioning. Good.

Today, we had an activity for motor sports (my PE class) a la Amazing Race. It was so fun. We got lost in the middle of the race but when we realized our fault, the adventure went smooth. It was like playing photohunt on the road. I wish the HIV could do this for the summer outing. Maybe Kate can plan the race for us. haha

Pizza-All-You-Can @ Greenwich

CARLO: Anna Lee, Pizza-all-you-can tayo!

ANNA LEE: Sige. Kaso SELECTED establishments lang daw yun eh.

CARLO: Talaga? sana SELECTED yung sa SM.

I had a good laugh on this one. Kung hindi niyo gets kung bat ako natawa, hayaan niyo na lang. Baka nadaan lang sa delivery.

After the PE class, Carlo and I spent more than an hour munching pizza slices. I love the pepperoni flavored better. I ate a total of six slices plus some bits of the seventh. I tried so hard to eat up my last slice but the mere aroma of the cheese made me dizzy already. Too bad Leo came late for my left-over. haha. Carlo ate seven slices so I was not really behind him. And I am not really sure if this is a good one for me. I haven't had dinner but I still have a full stomach. I can't even drink too much water.

This Saturday, another adventure awaits me. I am so excited, I can't help but smile when I told my father about it. Parang last Saturday lang, girl's nightout with Kimie, Gelene and Hannah (CineKatipunan). And then this Saturday, another trip again. Lalalala.. Artsy trips thrill me.

jitters, anxiety, butterflies,etc.

2007-01-14T01:54:00.000+08:00

I am really bothered because I couldn't find the right term to describe the physical state I am whenever I'm nervous.

Do you have anything to call the overall sensation of wobbly knees, two invisible hands pressing on each side of your head and heart diving deeper inside your chest?

Everytime I experience that kind of thing, I always feel defeated by the circumstances, as if I can't contest with the external universe.

But I am not nervous anymore. My heart, not counting feet below chest level anymore. Actually, it's in my sleeve already.

See? It's the one that bears no single name.

Honesty?

2007-01-12T13:23:00.000+08:00

I failed to pass one of my papers in Hum2 because I wasn't able to watch the required material. Why? Because I was absent during our last meeting last year. But don't judge me right away. I did everything I could do to watch it. I even went to UP last Wednesday with that as my only intent. And please consider that a trip to UP for me is almost a hundred peso worth of money and an hour of travel time.

Unfortuntely, I was so stupid to not knock on a locked office door. I thought the audio visual person was already home, as indicated by his where-I-am-right-now chart.

The night before the special deadline set by my prof, I was so torn between inventing things just to make a paper and missing the requirement for the sake of being honest. With the help of my laziness, I decided to not pass anything. I was telling myself that I'd rather look irresponsible than pass a paper that showcases my oblivion about the topic. I'd rather get singko than pass a reaction paper packed with fiction.

This may be haughtiness for some but I call it a principle of mine.

I also sent a email to my prof telling the same story and asking for her consideration so I could pass the following week.

And this was her reply:

"next week then. thanks for your honesty. really appreciate that."

YESSS!

Happy New Year

2007-01-11T17:02:00.000+08:00

by Camera Obscura

Did the ironing in a cowboy hat

felt as fresh as the paint in this new flat

I will never tell you what to do

have ambition simply to see things through

Did you know I could be a lot of fun

I'm aware that friendship can die young

as the glow from the street light bled

down the Langlands Road we set off the best of friends

I know where I stand

I don't need you to hold my hand

Well, I've tried to get along with you

I have asked myself "What are we gonna do?"

I'm coming round to take a stand

going to put us together with glue or an elastic band

I know where I stand

I don't need you to hold my hand

I am softer than my face would suggest

at times like these I'm at my lowest ebb

now I can confide in you if I cry to set the mood

oh please could you cry too

Happy new year

you are my only vice

what if we compromised?

I am open

Do you have to wear a frown like that?

you could have hit me with a baseball bat

Do you want to? (yes I do)

Do you have to? (So do you)

Do you want to? (So do you)

_____
This is so cute! And the title goes well these days. haha... Books Written For Girls is a good song too. Camera Obscura makes me smile all the time. lalalalalala..

2007-01-09T23:43:00.000+08:00

It's 2007 Anna Lee. Will you please be a little bit more serious on getting the things that you want?

Hay. New year's resolutions? At first, I wasn't planning on listing any but I figured how bad I had been during the previous year. Let me start the exhibition of this coveted (daa) list by a resolution directly related to what you are reading now: learning to capitalize (Now roll your eyes back to the preceeding statements. Anything that breaks my resolution?).

Actually, that first resolution was just an attempt to make this entry longer. I only decided to plan one change this year: to stop depreciating myself in terms of my artistic endeavors.

During the past year, I had been hiding all the frustrations and fears.

The process of writing this entry is taking quite sometime. Oh no, not because of my capitalizing disorder (althoug it could count). It's because I am not really good at sounding optimistic and in telling the world that I am a pessimist. All I really wanted was to be right and good.

And once again, I am not making sense.

I chanced upon my Hum2 readings during one of my sleepless mornings. There was this article entitled Crafting An Artistic Self. It sounded like a self-help article but I read it anyway.

"Artists are at liberty to truly liberate a 'self' by assuming

extravagant disguises and enacting outrageous behaviors." (ahh..ok.)

Then the next articles were Expressing An Artistic Attitude, Choosing A Mission and the last was Measuring Success. They were like articles you read before you audition for a reality ARTIST(minus the a) search. Or maybe the bunch of things they teach in America's Next Top Model. Some of the points made sense. But as an active reader (and a communication resarch student!), I declined to make them the dogma of how I could be.

2007-01-03T02:18:00.000+08:00

pasukan na uit sa thursday.

huhu..

kelangan nang balikan ang mga readings at homeworks.

paalam buhay tamad.

2007-01-02T01:40:00.000+08:00

for others, the new year might be a way to welcome changes. but not for me. i was fed up with those before 2006 ended. changes are not new anymore. changes are cliches for me right now.

this 2007, i want to grow back in time. maybe, i'm just getting tired of trying to outgrow things. i just thought it would be better to be young forever, even just in a subtle way-- be a child.

as part of this going back in time thing... huhuhu.. i dont want digital cameras no more. i want a lomo pop9, dalek super sampler, oktomat or colorsplash (but this is a little more expensive) or a holga. or any lomo camera. but first, i have to learn how to develop photos. haha.. im such a dreamer. perhaps, i have to take film110 or just ask kimie and hannah to teach me.

edit: grabe. sabi ko na nga ba, may lahi ka ni marky cielo kya kahawig mo si jack. baguio boy ka pala. pagakataon nga nman.. may silbi rin naman pala na gising ng ganitong panahon, nalaman ko pa numero mo ng walang effort. malay ko bang ikaw pala yun. wiii..tulugan na (finally!)

BOOM!

2007-01-01T03:20:00.000+08:00

when you here the news about how many firework accidents have occured, please remember that my poor brother was part of that statistic.

poor RA..

he burned four of his fingers in his right hand due to a used fountain that had been rekindled. so we went to a district hospital near us. it wasn't like the chaotic scenes in other major hospitals. instead, it was a little depressing because the facilities were.. ahm.. wait, they had no facilities. no x-ray. no surgeons. no ob-gyne. no varied syringes- just those 5cc type.

hayy.. where do the taxes go?

and before we went out of the hospital, a man came there..he was stabbed. ewwness.

but no matter how gory, bloody or sordid this night had been for anyone, the year had still changed. and what more can i say but a wish that next year will be better for each of us.

MWAH!

2006-12-28T02:14:00.000+08:00

"...You can’t just sit around, getting angry because you think you're ready.

If you were really ready, things would be happening.”
-regina spektor

very nice. very nice, especially after reading her biography.

after several days of immersing myself in easy-listening music and insisting on repeating the little downlaods i could afford to stay up waiting for, my mind has once again generated another dream. yet again.

i want to be a musician. wooo..

kaya panay ang magic sing ko.

JOKE.

joke lang talaga. mananatili na lang isang panaginip yan. hehe.

but who knows, life could be too long for literature and visual arts.

dream on. haha

read my earlier posts they deserve views rather than this lousy thing.

2006-12-27T03:21:00.000+08:00

im getting addicted to camera obscura, so as to other obscure things. what's new?

i thought i was wanting new things because so much were new-- new house, new room, new way, practically, new life without Kate. but then, one thing hasn't changed. im still a woman pretending to be a girl. or the other way around. or perhaps, what hasn't changed is my unsureness about these two.

i want to grow out of being obsessive. or not. maybe, i just have to quit whinning about it because this is really me down to the roots of my tangled and uncombed hairs.

i dont want to get rid of my childishness. i want to stay young and be idealistic about things. i want to forever think that the world has so much in store for me.

rarrr..but being obsessive and being hurt eventually sends signal to my nerves up to my brain. this is when we eventually grow out of being children, when we fully understand pain.

but i dont..yet. so i must not understand it fully. i must resist my resistance. hence, i must give in to obsessiveness.

this is me manipulating myself. how cute is that?

_____________________________

i can't believe i'm counting on you
one im so gullible
two im so overacting
three im so much of a know-it-all
and
four im a social-climber
and that last count connotes further more.
and so i count on you more than four times
i forsee that.
you know what i also see?
i see no you

----

GAHD im so stupid.

ke bagal-bagal naman ng connection. lintik.

2006-12-26T21:54:00.001+08:00

pasko..sana naging maligaya kayo.

evident sa pasko ngayong taon na maraming nagbago sa buhay ko.

simulan na lang sa new neighborhood namin na ni shadow ng christmas spirit eh hindi ata sinapian. by 10pm, lights off na. dinaig pa ang curfew. usually, we spend our christmas eve at pampanga, but it was different this year. we had to stay at home because ewan ko. maselan ata pagbubuntis ng tita ko kaya. basta ganun.

i just sang the night away, sa magic sing namin. inaral ko pa yung isang oldies na kanta sa player ko para ma-perfect ko at mapatotohanan ko ang sabi ni pacquiao na lalo raw gagaling. tapos i rummaged my drawer for a sketchpad..then i discovered something. hahahuhuhaha..something that made my heartbeat race. whatever. basta, evrything ended after the discovery of that something hidden in my things for almost two months. katanga-tanga ko para hindi yun makita.

tapos natulog na ako, mga 4am na yun.

tapos nagising ako ng 12noon.. i was home alone. edi linis linis ng bahay, ligpit ng gamit, kain ng tira-tira tapos nanuod ng DVDs from hannah. in between pala nun eh sinilip ko yung libro ni papa na purpose driven life. na-bother naman niya ako kahit papaano. tapos nagdasal ako. tapos narinig ko na yung busina ng car nmin from outside, dumating na ang pamilya. tapos kain. tapos tulog.

that was merry christmas for me.

paggising ko na lang kanina, naka-confine na daw ang 2 kong tita sa father side. yung isa, nagnervous breakdown daw. may bad encounter ata with her spouse then she said to her daughter: ayoko na dito, aalis na ako! then she fainted. when she became conscious once again, she can't recognize anyone. all that she's saying was: "teka nagmamadali ako. aalis ako. iiwanan na ako ng kasama ko..."

woah.

my other tita was the one who tried to fix the hospital stuffs for her. after everything was alright, she felt something wrong with her stomach. now she's confined too. kaya i spent my day looking after her.

sana wala nang iba pang ma-harm ngaun christmas season. kaya kayo, mag-iingat. yan ang sinasabi ng mabait kong side. sabi nung lunatic na side: aba, sabi ko na nga ba, when all else fail, i always count on lunacy. it's the most accessible escape talaga.

2006-12-24T04:18:00.000+08:00

a photoshoot where everything was an outtake

the points to highlight here are parents at the living room eating and singing siblings at the other room playing friend that's kimie came over vintage clothes and other stuffs digital camera junk foods from external sources and most especially a room with bare walls and hardly anything else but ironically they're all in gray we were polka dot people talking to white walls don't make our shadows appear but they refused to hear us beg shadows did appear so we posed our hearts away and bade goodbye to our sanity playground was the room as we went round about rummaging for anything to use even cola bottles weren't exempted the rest will be herstory

giddiness, goodness!

2006-12-22T04:18:00.000+08:00

unang beses ko pa lang to nakita, nagustuhan ko na.

at kahit hindi na gumagana, sobrang natutuwa pa rin ako sa kanya.

ayaw kasi ibigay sa akin yung buong set eh. sayang.

sa ngayon, umiikot lang ang buhay ko sa bagong lumang bahay na nilipatan namin.

pati na rin sa paggawa ng mga takdang aralin--mag-diary at magsketch ng landscapes.

napakapayapa ng buhay.

onga pala, wag kayong manunuod ng tenacious d na movie kung ayaw niong masayang pera ninyo. kunglibre, wag pa rin, sayang ang oras ninyo. hay naku.

LOVE is like..

2006-12-12T22:47:00.000+08:00

nagmula ang mighty ideya nito sa autograph ng aking kapatid. nakasulat kasi dun sa define love nia:

LOVE IS LIKE AN ONION. IT MAKES YOU CRY.

kaya kanina, together with leo and gelene, nagisip pa kami ng ibang metaphors. tpos ang-haba ng byahe sa fx kaya nman nag-isip pa ako ng iba.

LOVE IS LIKE...
a taxi. it takes you wherever you want to go.
an ikot jeep. it turns your world around.
a UP-SM north jeep. it comes rarely.
a lantern. it parades.huh?!
a bridge game because you need a partner.
a bridge game again. it requires you to bid your emotions.
a plant. it grows.
an ID. you cannot enter heaven without it.
Kate. it was gone even before you knew it.
Gelene. it's for jokes.
Leo. it sucks. bwahaha
my test papers. there is always something wrong with it.
playing dance maniax. sometimes, you fail.
a christmas tree. it has balls. (huh?!)
a poste/ a rock. it's hard.
a dengue mosquito. it breeds in stagnant water.
sun cellular. it makes you wait for a signal.
a check mark. it makes everything right.
the Bantigue family's vios. it brings JOY everywhere. HAHA
Manny Pacquiao/ nursing students. it's everywhere.
Jennylyn Mercado. it leaves a MARK.
a computer game. it makes you want to kill.
an electric fan. it blows you away.
a computer mouse. it points you to the right direction.
Commonwealth Avenue/ the FX line. you get stuck in it.
dinner. you can't have it once you're late.
a dictionary. it has many definitions.

hmmm.. may naiisip pa ba kau?
dali dadagan natin!

grabe. ang-layo nga ng bahay namin. ngayon ay nag-sink in na siya ng maige sa utak ko. tapos wala pang pagkain pagdating. huhu..kawawa naman ako.

excited na ako for lantern parade. wiiiii..

2006-12-11T22:14:00.000+08:00

“If you are distressed by anything external,

the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it;

and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

--Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

i want to borrow myself from me. then, i would let her go. away from everything i have been putting myself through, for the sake of being good and for the benefit of the world around.

my life is so dull and planned right now. it is only you that makes it a bit exciting. and though you wouldn't probably reach this..im still extending my appreciation. you make me feel like i am a child and you are someone older, someone ready to pat me on the back and tell me about the strange world we both have chosen to exist.

sometimes, i wish i could be more nosy and inquisitive in front of you. but somehow, words turn into doubt whenever they attempt to materialize into something you could decipher.

and when sometimes, words indeed come out as themselves, you would then begin to evacuate from the spot called interested. a tinge of disappointment reaches my heart. the lollipop was taken back from a child. and so i dance away from our tryst in blinding manner. to forget about the disappointment would be my main concern. i wouldn't even bother comprehend about what has transpired. to be numb is to be strong about it.

i want

2006-12-07T23:42:00.000+08:00

fancy and liberating and breezy and alone and functioning and breathing and away.

G.I.V.?

2006-12-06T23:38:00.000+08:00

---which stands for Globally-Intellectual Village

unfortunately, eventually, actually, we will be apart. let's not think of it as a reason to be down in the dumps.

UP's lighting ceremony last Monday december4. before the lights were actually lighted..

thoughts of which came to me after i heard about the Japan scholarship, Kate in Canada and the news about the high demand for occupational therapists in Canada, New Zealand, etc. this is not entirely positive, but i have managed to picture us so apart from each other. so, i had to attribute a theory that would somehow light up this grim idea.

the idea was patterned by mcluhan's global village (mass comm!) wherein the world would be conneceted through mass media..blah blah.. well, i didn't utilize the whole idea but merely the term. haha. so there's no point in explaining it in depth.

kate even suggested that KFC the block would eventually be replaced by Paris' shopping districts as our habitual meeting place. and of course, she joked about Leo being out of place during our shopping escapades.

hayyy.. we're really getting old.

2006-12-06T01:34:00.000+08:00

i have imagined an improved version of a museum hopping for an art-related romantic date.

ikeee..

(haven't been mushy for quite a while so im shy to tell all..hihi)

the images in my head are blurry because the venue was somewhere i haven't been.

i would love to spent an afternoon (and if possible, a night) there..

with me, myself, and lots of money so i can bring home pieces. o how romantic the thought is.

"i have a home

and a window called night.

i sleep in a bed named sky

and dream about people i haven't met.

in my dreams we talk about teacups.

because of the future it holds

and the afternoon it brings.

o, what are afternoons without teacups?"

moving out is hard to do.

2006-12-02T23:24:00.000+08:00

napakanakakapagod. bukod pa dun ang nakakasakit ng ulo na amoy ng pintura. hayy..daming alikabok. daming iniimpake. daming nililinis. kelan kaya ako makakahiga at makakatulog ng maayos?

andami ko pang gustong gawin sa buhay ko ngayon. gusto kong magadvance reading sa mga subjects ko para this week eh mapagtuunan ko ng pansin ang pagpapaganda ng kwarto ko. gusto ko ng mural sa kwarto ko at sa ceiling. wait, mural pa ba ang tawag pag sa ceiling? basta ganun.

excited na rin ako sa pag-edit ng mga vintage clothes na napulot ko sa bahay na lilipatan namin. ang gaganda ng dresses at ng mga bags. yung iba from Paris pa sosyal. nung sinusukat ko sabi ni mama mukha raw akong mula sa ibang panahon. meron atang 3 black and white polka dot dresses. ansayaaaa..

at lalaki na rin ang kwarto ko. yey. amazing, sa buong bahay, sa kwarto ko lang may signal ang sun. kakaiba talaga ang sun.
hayy..kay raming pagbabago sa buhay ko. lipat-bahay at ang pag-alis ni kate. eh parang yun na nga buong buhay ko ah--- aral, lakwatsa, uwi. pero soon madadagdagan na yan. kailangang matuto at masanay sa buhay na wala ang mga bagay na nakasanayan.

it's time to grow
.

sali rin kayo..bilissss

2006-11-28T22:29:00.000+08:00

"As part of a new BBC season called Generation Next, we want to see your pictures of how you spend your leisure time.. "

here's the link.

binigay yan ng prof ko. parang ansaya eh. bilis malapit na ang deadline. go go go.

---------

kfc photo was from ruth's camera

jump shot was taken at hannah's

in a child's world..

2006-11-28T22:13:00.000+08:00

everything is green.

and as we grow old..

ewan.

nagiging utak na lang natin ang green?

---------------------------------

photo taken nov27

sunken garden/beach house

save the best TO last

2006-11-22T01:05:00.000+08:00

HIV trip to Mall of Asia.

huling planadong lakad bago manginig sa lamig si Kate sa Canada.

a night preceeded by a day

2006-11-20T22:26:00.000+08:00

"this is a night preceeded by a day that i have managed to forget about you. I was distracted by everything else in the world. its movement somehow, caused y life to move too. the day was a reflection of how simple i desire my life to be. the day is when i get to play around. and when the whole world is my disneyland.

this is a night when darkness creeps in and favours your return. i, once again remembers you, almost like a diety in my mind. in pitch-black, i see your shadows and smell your quiddity. my eyes are all shut tonight for they drowned in habitual tears and can no longer move to the surface and marvel at reality- a reality without you.

this is the night when after having the conclusion that i have moved on, the adamant moon presses rewind...and so, i am once again back to where i was before i woke up-- in a recurring dream of you and me. "

don't you think we've waited long enough?

2006-11-12T01:51:00.000+08:00

i think so too. so what now?

on another note, what's the point of waiting to be safe just so you can be dangerous?
be dangerous or be safe. not both. or can i be both? hmmm..

and on a more irrelevant note, i still check on you. i want to hide from you, yeah. but.. i also want you to try and find me and make me feel like.. like you never lied. and move fast. in a matter of days, those information would be obsolete.

next thing, you kill me everytime i read that. but i still read it. maybe next time, i'd read it in front of a mirror so i could see life escaping from my eyes. they say that vision is unbelievable.

just when i thought im over chopping inches from my hair, i've found yet another cute haircut. i have read somewhere that cute and nice are empty adjectives. owwww.. now i know why they always say im cute. hahaha.

---------------------

the irony of it.

2006-08-30T23:15:00.000+08:00

blogger sucks.

ayaw magupload ng photos.

epal.

naiinis na ako.
naiinis na talga.

skjhfuiowrqisugjrepoyogrjogjregtprwg316t8dfb325jh3763hwlsfhgpgjgkgfka!!!!!!!

hay.

visit my LJ account because i wont be updating this for a while.

my new disorder

2006-08-18T23:12:00.000+08:00

is there such a psychological disorder about the distortion of one's perception of time? i already have 4 experiences wherein i didn't realize that the time inside my head was not the time of the outside world.

freaky.

but there is something freakier than that.

i will be going to binondo church tomorrow to meet someone i haven't seen ever-- my survey team leader. i dont know anything about places in manila. i feel so helpless. huhu.. anyone who wants to accompany me? (pwede ba yung may car?)

once again, i tried to blame all my misfortunes to my father, for not teaching how to drive! ARGH! i want to learn how to drive...mali pla.. I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO DRIVE.

goodluck na lang sa akin bukas sa Binondo. huhu.. naiiyak na ako. huhuhu talaga..

my blog is so boring.

2006-08-16T21:07:00.000+08:00

i've made some changes due to my desire to migrate to beta which i successfully did. yey! i previewed the visual result and i found it too boring. so, i decided to post some happy photos.

ruth, carlo, kimie, kate and i @ cleyr's debut

2006-08-06T16:24:00.000+08:00

each of us wants to be stuck somewhere we can't stay forever. the recurrence of such liking, i believe, makes us all human. personally, i want to stay inside my room forever, somewhere i can build my own world and not be judged for having one.

victor basa is so gorgeous. i just wished that ABS won't make a dupe out of him and capitalize on his gorgeousness. mukhang siyang tanga sa ASAP. sayang...

i love LOST. it's such a pity that i only got to watch the last three episodes for the season. they gave me nightmares. the variety of characters stayed within the confines of my imagination longer than the freaky bride in Sukob. it was psychologically disturbing for me. and i am so happy about it.

it makes me feel so good when something disturbs my mind. disturbance makes the state of mind unbalanced. therefore, it encourages homeostasis. achieveing balance may not be the most enjoyable quest but it is so fun to discover the equifinality aspect of life-- that goals can be achieved in a variety of ways. hayy.. complexities.

the other night, i had a dream about my mother owning a new cellphone. then the next morning, caloi had a new one. last night i had a dream that my father got a million peso in cash, i wonder who would be having such in real life. SHARE!

what is optimism?

2006-07-29T21:50:00.000+08:00

"what's wrong with living in a dream world?
---you have to wake up. " (the secret life of bees)

what's good about living in a nightmare?

--you can still wake up.

2006-07-27T01:31:00.000+08:00

hayyy.. sana maging masaya ka.

sana sana sana talaga! :D

ARTWORK.

2006-07-20T21:20:00.000+08:00

tomorrow will be a normal day.
normal.
normal.
normal.

i must not expect anything.

(pero secret lang natin ah. natatakot na talaga ako. kasama sa list ng fears ko ang pagpapakita sa ibang tao ng aking mga gawa. dapat minimal lang ang effort ko sa gawa na to para hindi ako masyadong maattach. hayy.. insecurities.)

sabi nga ni leo, bahala na ang justice league!

life cycles

2006-07-15T03:31:00.000+08:00

awww.. i almost ended my 3-year affair with blogger. for a couple of minutes, i decided to close this one and continue blogging in LJ. but then again, i realized how cute pics appear in blogger and other things..so, to maximize the beauty of blogspot, i decided to post our photoshoot pics.

pagpasensyahan niyo na, puyat lang kami kaya kung au-anong kalokohan na ginawa namin.

back when we were

young.
oh no no..younger.

(yeah, that's what i'm talking about.)

and learning about ties and edges,
and corkscrew and bottles..

enjoying the habits.
cycling everything from day to day to day.
then. suddenly.

we settle to be part of a pair.

to settle for interdependence.

pakikiramay

2006-07-09T22:51:00.000+08:00

nung tuesday may isang kawawang kitten na nasa tapat ng bintana ng kwarto ko. edi ayan, nalibang naman ako kasi kulay black siya tas anlungkot niya. picture perfect talaga! sige lang picture lang ako ng picture.

makalipas ang ilang minuto..
bumuhos ang ulan. nakakaawa siya kasi hindi pa developed ang eyesight niya. hindi niya alam kung saan siya pupunta. lalagyan ko sana siya ng pantakip para hindi siya mabasa kaso nga lang may harang ang window ko kaya hindi ko siya maabot. buti na lang lumapit siya.

tuwang-tuwa naman ako kasi feeling ko naligtas ko yung kawawang pusa mula sa malakas na ulan...

kahapon bago ako bumangon narinig ko yung mga bata sa labas: "ayy kadiri naman butas-butas pa yung katawan!" i was still in denial. ayaw ko pang tignan. tapos kanina nagreklamo yung kapatid ko, bakit daw ambaho. hanggang sa maamoy ko na rin.

ahhhh! hindi ko matanggap na pinaghirapan ko pang gawan siya ng pantakip sa ulan..nagasgas pa yung kamay ko. tapos mamatay lang pala siya! sa bagay, hindi naman niya siguro choice na mamatay agad. at sa bagay ulit, lahat naman ng pusa eh namamatay.

ambobo, pero parang nabuhay lang ata ang kitten na iyon para maging subject ng mga photos na ito. kaya ito, im extending the existence of that kitten, kahit man lang sa blog ko.

hindi man lang siya nabigyan ng name. huhuhu..

parang bigla tuloy akong natakot mamatay. yung pakiramdam na bigla na lang malilimutan ang lahat ng pinaghirapan mo nung buhay ka pa. sana mamatay ako in a dramatic way, as in kontrobersyal. ayaw kong mamatay dahil sa katandaan. gusto kong maging tulad ni Jesus at ni Plato na namatay at the peak of their fame (yaaak as if sisikat ako!) kaya naman yung legacy nila eh nagpersist. ayokong mabalewala ang buhay ko matapos kong mabuhay. kaya as much as possible, gusto kong dinodocument ang nangyayari sa akin para naman may memories!

hayy naku, yung kitten kasi eh!
sana nasa heaven na siya..

2006-06-29T21:28:00.000+08:00

i really love this photograph.dati ko pa to nakita at natuwa akong gawan ng mga istorya. pero etong version na to ang paborito ko! andrama, oo. well, that's me!

(shit! ayaw malagay nung photo.. click nio na lang)

i want to go to you.

i want to hold your hand as i mention every single thing i like about you. you are one person that deserves a second look. but i went beyond what you deserve. i stared at you as if nothing else exists. i never thought that a single touch would cause such trauma to the placid approach of my mindset right now. you have destroyed the barrier of uncomplication and crossed my garden of vicious love cycles.

congratulations.
i want to go to you.

and stay.

now.

but the several minutes of my bliss is over. all i can do is wish and see in my mind's eye what you are blinded about.

i want to go to you and see if you are worth the nuissance you are causing me. it doesn't really matter what the result could be. because peeking into your existence is just my main concern.

i want to go to you. and let you define me. and let you into my everyday verve and birth. put me on a pedestal and make my existence as surreal as it could be.

wait.

i may now want something more than just going to you.

but if ever i cannot carry out this yearning, at least stay where you are-- where i can see the place i want to go to..

even if i really can't.

--------------------------------

2006-06-27T00:31:00.000+08:00

go-getter people always say: "i know what i want and i shall have it."
i get too manic sometimes and find myself blurt this statement to myself.

pero di ba, it's more fun when someone or something tells you:
"i know that you want me and you shall have me."
(amapangit ng tunog pag sinabi pero pagbigyan na for the sake of parallelism!)

or pwede ring:
"i know that you dont want me but you still have me."

things or people we own/have that are products of sweat and tears are very precious. the amount of these fluids we shed often define how much they mean to us. but skipping the arduous process of reaching for them wont make them less special either. you know what is the consequence of not working hard for the things you want? it is having the feeling that you are special, that you are so magnetic so as to attract the desirable things towards you.

and i miss feeling like that.

LOSER!
hahaha.. well, at least what i have are the few things i have chosen to work my ass for.
(sige lang, comfort yourself pa!)

2006-06-24T23:28:00.000+08:00

bakit namamatay ang uod kapag binudburan ng asin?

akala ko, dahil masyadong neutral ang asin.
(hindi pala. hehe..nauubusan daw kasi moisture ang katawan ng uod due to osmosis.)

our house isnt dysfunctional anymore!

2006-06-15T21:30:00.000+08:00

WOOHOOO!!

im back! wheeee!

im happy! today is the luckiest day ever. (upon mentioning the word luck, im officially but temporarily getting rid of my philosophical plug-ins!) andami kong gusto na nakuha ko ngayon!

simulan na natin sa
--upuan sa harap ng UP-SM jeep.
--tapos, ang COMM140 subject ko (makakenrol na ko bukas! wheee! malalabas ko na ang tinago ko sa baul na form5 at bye bye na sa form5a ko.)
--cable ng aming telebisyon--linya ng landline namin
--INTERNET! wooohoooooo! 54.6kbps! wheeee.. sori ah, nasanay na kasi ako sa 21kbps nung nagloloko eh! kaya ansaya talga!
--ang matagal ko nang minimithing corkboard para sa wall ng room ko
--bagong mga kanta para sa player ko. sa wakas nadownload ko na ang mga kanta sa listahan ko na isang buwan na atang nakatiwangwang sa desktop ko! (LEO! nadownload ko na ang request mo na My Girl! :D)

hay! banal na usok! napakasaya ko!
kulang na lang ay yung isa..ay! dalawa..ay tatlo pala! ay.. ARGHH! andami ko pa ring gusto! "imbakan ng tubig naman oh!" hayyy..calm down annali.

pero anyway, tama na muna ito for the day. makukuntento na muna ako! wheeeeee! IM HAPPY!

expect my drooping eyes tomorrow! puyatan na itu! tama na ang pagtulog ng 8pm at pagtitiyaga sa RPN9! para akong nag-communication fast! buti na lang tapos na. im soooooooooooo bloody happy!

FLASH NON-FICTION + MINI-LIGA

2006-06-05T00:53:00.000+08:00

si Pitong at ang kapatid ko na si RA

this past week, nililibang ako ng mga batang yan sa paglalaro nila ng basketball sa isang mini-liga na pinauso ng pinsan ko. next saturday ang finals at ang teams nila ang maglalaban. sino kayang mananalo??!

ang idol niyan ni Pitong bukod, sa obviously angwapo, eh matinong point guard tas yung team nila ang pinakmatitino ang players lalo na yung isa pang player na ang name ay Leley-- katuwang name! kahit sino manalo ok lang.. extra lang naman kapatid ko eh!

hahaha BAD na ATE!

WORDS OF WISDOM:

you cant bury something below the ground unless you stop denying the fact that it's lying rotten in front of you.
MY QUESTION TO THE CONDEMNED SCAVENGER FEASTING ON ME:
when will i 86 you from my system?
MY MESSAGE TO ANYBODY INSECURE:
hahaha! i'll do my best to be the best i can be. i'll give you more reason to feel that way! BEH! :D
A FACTUAL STATEMENT:
it sucks big time when your silence is taken literally. when in fact, it means more to you than just the simple absence of sound.
A CUTE THING TO PONDER ABOUT:
there is no way we can understand how our minds work. because if we are intellectual people, it would be too complicated. on the other hand, if it is too simple, we would be stupid to be able to understand it.

boring post. dont bother read.

2006-05-26T23:28:00.000+08:00

"isang araw sa buhay ng walang magawa"

there were those times that i had this desire to be able to define love. hahaha.. nonsense pursuit you might say. but what the heck. we are so full of things related with it. i dont want to be one of those who use its name in vain. i dont want to be one of those people who brag about knowing blah blah blah but end up as victims of that same thing they boast of knowing a lot about.

back then, before i wrote in my diary an attempt to define love, all i knew was that love is not really an emotion. an emotion is very fleeting. and as most of you people have experienced or are experiencing, love does not fade easily. *insert the forum topic 'burnout' here hehe*

i also tried comparing love with other things but i thought the metaphors aren't enough to simplify the rather hard-to-understand concept of love. they *insert forum people here* thought it was some kind of a disease infecting minds, especially of those youngsters like me. but SURPRISE! it might as well be a cure. besides, love is not an abnormality. love is in fact, ubiquitous. it exists everywhere, generates movements every second, or so it seems.

then, enter Plato. the philosopher whose ideas tallied with mine. or the other way around (no hierarchical implication intended). Plato believed in a two-fold reality-- the sensory reality, the natural world wherein everything is in constant state of change and the world of ideas, wherein everything is eternal and immutable. aside from two realities, he also believed that each of us has a mortal body and a soul. this soul has existed long before we were born and thrived in the world of ideas. but the moment we were born, the soul unites with the mortal body and forgets everything about the world of ideas. as a human being develops and percieves things from the sensory world, a vague recollection of where the soul used to reaside stirs it. and this soul is faced with a yearning to return to its true realm-- that is, the world of ideas. and Plato called this yearning eros. eros = love. whoa. nakakapagod magexplain.

it was just overwheleming to find out that my vague idea on love is somewhat the same with the second most famous Greek philosopher. in my own words, i wrote:

"as people of hearts and minds, we are daunted by the fact that there is this reality that we all thrive collectively. And it is this reality that we try to resent whenever we love. love transforms reality onto something unimaginable yet attainable...because once they have realized that they can attain this unimaginable through loving, they (fall) for the escape...confused, a person becomes reckless, unmindful and undecided of what is it that he must do-- whether to stay on the always pragmatic reality or to go back to the attainable 'imaginary'."
(note: by reality, i mean, the natural or sensory world that Plato was talking about) 05-10-06

i dont intend to convince you that my views are those that comprise what is real nor what is true. i dont even intend to be mushy here. these are just thoughts running in my head, things i never grow tired of pondering about. lastly, im not in love. i just posses this innate ability to reason. haha.

2006-05-15T01:35:00.000+08:00

no no no.

im going nowhere.

i have thse countless thoeries of why am feeling such, why am i doing so.. im doomed. because the question playing in my head right now is: what's real in all of these?

do i have a self that will justify what is the truth from the lie, the theory from the fact? or, the thing that is me is just a collection of these unsure and inaccurate ideas that my mind has generated?

do i have an identity that'll qualify the answers that i give myself as the right ones? or, do the questions themselves are the only things that define who i am?

i really have no clue what to tell myself just so i can stop all these ponderings from invading my thoughts. last night i was just indulging in lower levels of giddiness. now, im already questiong the value system regarding the source of such. maybe, im digging too much out of myself. i just want to make my gray life to be gaudy and rich and luscious. who wants a boring life anyway?
i know, i dont want that.

so, as a consequence of that, i victimize myself with constant blows of questioning, sprinkled with magnified emotions and there it goes, i fly. i fly into the gates of my own made-up world where it is only myself that i have. and there on that exile, i wish for someone to share the vast space of my own idea of perfection.

but like what i have said, it's just my own world. it's not recognizable to anyone. and to everyone, it does not exist. if that's the case, how then, can i convince anyone to go there?

how?

maybe, unconsciously, i know nobody wont come. dreaming, solitude, exile, feeling that i am empty--- maybe these things make-up my own world. and maybe, these to me are the definition of perfection.

or maybe not. ewan.

and to my main question, what's real in all of these?
nothing.
i guess, i'll just content myself on that for now.

________________
ay such a tale of woe.. ang ginaw kasi!

aaron + kaye + random musings

2006-05-14T01:18:00.000+08:00

+aaron's 1st bday is coming. bye bye aaron's long hair.. awwww.. sad.+

+i want a black cat. i want a black ducati motorcycle. i want a beach vacation, but it's already raining.+

+ i want to see the video of daniel powter's bad day. it makes me feel glad that it's raining. because somebody might offer his umbrella, cover me from the rain and stop my cynicism.+

+you know you can do something. but knowing that doesnt qualify as a reason to feel it. i know. i understand. but.. let's just be happy. that's our only choice.+

+happiness is boring. and lonely. ironic? no.+

+i always feel guilty. but i still love storms.+

+i feel so light now that we've talked about it. i wish i could have explained myself better. but at least, you've noticed that before. i dont regret anything. we would not be here if not for those distant days. id still stick to that notion of not regretting anything. like what we've agreed upon, we dont coincide on that "regret matter".+

+ i've been surprising myself a lot lately. and it's actually fun! sana lang magtagal.. o kaya pagsawaan ko na lang. no more hurting stages please.+

+i am totally not a gift person.+

+i want to be impulsive. i am actually devising some steps towards my becoming one. weird.+

+somebody's closet would welcome an addition.+

+will i come? will i see? or should i just let questions conquer me?+

+people ( i mean you and you) are getting tired of my repeated comments. im sorry. i just cant contain them anymore. they keep on multiplying.+

+i miss you. i mean, both of you (different you and you). though you are already near. though you are already gone.+

+cliffhangers. i hate them. they mean nothing. makes the journey unworthy.+

+i have no problem. except the fact that i have no problem.+

+you cant do anything about my being a lunatic. but you can stay beside her. try.+

+do all lunatics love the moon? i do.+

+im so moony..+

stagnant blog.

2006-05-10T23:33:00.000+08:00

--reflects my life.

by xobious

the clouds gave up on containing all the moisture by itself. it finally felt generous enough to share some. i was beside the window in my room, reading a short story that i printed the night before, when it rained. the atmosphere was so perfect for a rather depressing story.

"I always gave her the window seat because she said the world went by so fast sometimes, and if you weren't watching, you might miss something amazing. I didn't mind missing it if I got to watch her."
Connor+Jenny

it was not a tear-jerker but it'll really let you inside the world of a brokenhearted and make you feel so depressed thet even if he was already taking drugs, i felt that it's ok as long as it would make him forget about the slut who left her. besides, he is an emo guy. haha..pathetic but i am one of those girls who like those kind of guys. but i havent met anyone. AY! si RFE papasa na! i miss his jet black hair swept across his pale and at the same time rosy face. pero i dont miss my philo classes! NEVER! ewwww!

i've been thinking about trivial things recently. i had so much rubbish inside my head, mostly nauseatingly mushy! haha..what's new? my latest diary entry was about me being insecure and envious of the omnipresent time. nonsense!

"stop running in front of me, Time! stop reiterating that you are moving.. and i am not! stop it. i wont give in and befriend you. never. i guess i'll just hate you until my life gets tired of trying to keep up with your constant motion."
10:57pm

ahhh i feel so sleepy already! i still have to get up early for my seasonal cwts2 class. we're going to conduct a survey on the slum areas in front of pisay. i hope they wont shut their door in front of our faces just like what we have experienced in Espa?a.. i hope.

heaven finally dropped my parcel-- colored pencils!

2006-05-01T04:54:00.000+08:00

wheeeee!

I sketched this last april 12. i know, i know..the pose is weird. and someone from DA commented that the guy's arm looks uber short. but im too lazy to fix it!

"...anyway, when the right time comes, he'll just leave the job for pain once again.

he'll make pain clot my wounds until my bleeding will subside due to the cold permafrost."

please tell me that a ten-year old girl can never

understand the burden that these words may mean.

my sister read my drawing book (bukod sa pagnanakaw niya ng aking favorite pencil), the one i have used as a makeshift diary

while waiting for someone to give me another

(and thank you for the one who put an end to that waiting! mwaah!).

"Anne! edi alam mo na kung anung pangalan ng "crush" ko?"

she nodded and smiled.

SHIT!

i have to be a better sister from now. really really good. or.. or.. dunno.

2006-04-29T17:56:00.000+08:00

i hate patterns.

i condemn myself everytime i see myself caught on something that reflects a repetition. and unfortunately, this happens often. too often. i am condemning myself right now. i hate hate hate hate this place where i am.

but hey, i love it too. too much to hate it.

(another blurry entry where nothing is really sure.)

problem is, i have nothing to hold onto this time but the idea of an ideal future thriving with an ideal dream. i dream. all the time. and in my dreams, everything is mine.

and so, i BLOODY hate it when my dreams are being purloined. because they are everything that is mine. they may mean nothing to the real world, but they mean the world to me. my dreams are mine. mine mine mine. no matter how i reiterate that to myself, im still so pissed. i want to snatch my dreams back. but i know, my dreams are mine.

bullshit.

dreams cannot be snatched. but why do i feel so much of a victim?

of that cyclical "thief".
of my forseeable self.
of the illusioned "crime" itself, dreaming.

MASSking myself

2006-04-28T23:52:00.000+08:00

(a reflection post on the two weeks in cwts1)

for the last two weeks, i spent my classes in my college, MASSCOMM-- the place where everbody is a butterfly except for one lost caterpillar that is me. during the first day, i had a hard time pulling myself out of the comforts of my solitude. i had no motivation to bring myself back to the real world where the need to socialize is, what else, a NEED. and to think, i'd be dealing with mass comm people, with their colorful wings, flapping anywhere i lay my eyes on.

but, i had no choice but to go to class. so, armed with my kikay kit (in case i have to disguise myself..hahaha), my psychidelic notebook and my ever-so-trusting creative zen nano, i went there, expecting nothing but a boring day full of blows that will reiterate that i am in the wrong place of the university.

then..NEWSFLASH!

no matter how i tried to deny it, my first day was actually fun. of course, everything i thought about the people there, their being butterflies, were real. i found myself listening from what they have to say. they were sensible people, actually. they exceeded my low expectations (HAH! im bad!). but that doesnt mean that i immediately became another butterfly and instantly became one of them. i did not. i was so hesitant to talk. im so afraid of being mistaken as a nonsense person by simply stating what was already obvious (like what their long speeches were made of! bad again!).

everything they said could just be processed mentally by anyone from UP. but i dont want to be JUST like anyone from UP. i want to be distinct. and so, i can not catch myself plagarizing the common answer to a common query. i must think differently, deeper than anybody else.

i only spoke twice. obviously, they gave me a hard time. im not really THAT distinct YET. but i believe, even with those two short statements, i did not fail to make myself heard. (OK, im being too boastful here..pardon! :O)

the following days, there were no group discussions anymore. i was spared. yey!one time, our class was supposed to be held in the audi and i came in early. i had no one to talk to because gelene was not there yet and ruth was busy talking with her other friends (and i have no hostility whatsoever about it! it takes a lot of practice to exercise that kind of patience, and understanding too. i understand ruth because i know her too well. it's not really a problem with me. :D). i was so annoyed by the buzzing of their voices, their laughs with varying melodies and tones. Oh wait. i described them as if they were music to my ears. THEY WERE NOT. so, being the girl scout i was (ok. i was never a girl scout, just using the icon of being a person who is always prepared! haha), i finally used my secret weapon-- my mp3 player! yey! as their voices grew louder, my thumb would press the button to make their annoying voices be lost in the drum parts of Weezer's We Are All On Drugs (yeah!).

everytime they had time to socialize and for me, to wait, i would set-up my secret weapon and transport myself to the introvert-forgiving world of mp3s. and as their existence faded from my senses, i was hearing myself laugh inside, with the feeling of revenge.

why am i so angry with them anyway?

OH NO NO! i may seem angry but i am not. i just feel that i am different from them and i NEVER want to feel the need to be like them.

as i surveyed the audi one time, i realized that every person on that room was interesting. each of them has a personality they own. they dont hesitate to show or TALK about who they are and what they think, although sometimes, they were not even worth hearing.

this summer, the CWTS program of our college was biased to comm res-- my course. the speakers and the lessons were mostly inclined with it, and of course, with volunteerism and citizenship as well. the program was so far from rubbish. it was so enlightening. i even found myself quoting the speakers. i was moved by the things that some of them said. confidently, i could say that today, i did not get out of the audi empty. (because apart from the lessons, i even acquired the way they speak, mixed with gelene's style! OH NO! o yun naman di ba?!)

and another thing, it was reaffirmed by the commres grads that i what i would want to do someday is indeed related with my course! yey! i became more excited to get my majors and learn more! wheee..

so no more hesitations anna lee. you are indeed on the right track. and even if you are not a butterfly like them, you can still crawl your way to the top!

and just like what Gelene would say..
"let's get it on!"
wahahaha!

welcome back

2006-04-27T01:31:00.000+08:00

im feeding on other people's problems right now.

this is such an achievement for my liking to be compassionate. im
winning back that part of me. and at the same time, losing something i have
learned recently-- that is, to be happy.

but never mind. happiness only made me feel alone.

at least in unhappiness, i have everyone else beside
me.

forgive my discontenmentt.

im just being weird.
sorry.

ten people..united by one soap!

2006-04-24T17:19:00.000+08:00

PUERTO GALERA! wheee.. ansaya!

naisip ko, antanda na namin talaga at nakarating kami dun..
bitin pa nga eh!

(hmmm..ang hirap mamili ng pics na ippost!)

sa mabatong part ng aming secluded beach

malayo sa mga rowdy at drunk people ng white beach.

sunday na yan.. sa labas kami nagsshower.

co-ed ang shower na yan tas may hose pa. may time nga,

may outsider pa na nakiligo!

ganyan kami ka-close!

sunday, banana boat ride! nagpicturan kami after na naming sumakay...saya!

it was so fun!

kahit pa nasugatan ako at nagdrip ang blood na orange (?) sa tuhod ko..

at kahit pa muntik malunod ang 2 digicam..saya!

sana next outing makasama na kau!

"balisong"

2006-04-21T20:45:00.000+08:00

Your face lights up the sky on the highway.
Someday, you'll share your world with me someday.
You mesmerize me with diamond eyes;
I try to fool myself to think I'll be alright.
But I am losing all control -
My mind, my heart, my body and my soul

Never in my life have I been more sure,
So come on up to me and close the door.
Nobody's made me feel this way before;
You're everything I wanted and more.

To speak or not to; where to begin.
Your great dilemmas I'm finding myself in.
For all I know you only see me as a friend.
I try to tell myself wake up fool; this fairy tale's got to end.

Never in my life have I been more sure,
So come on up to me and close the door.
Nobody's made me feel this way before;
You're everything I wanted (more)

You're everything I wanted

_____________________

hindi ko na maalala pero sa mtv ko yata napanood yung interview kay rico blanco and the rest of rivermaya. tinanong sila kung bakit "Balisong" yung title ng kantang ito.

may gig daw kasi sila sa Batangas nun tas humihingi ng pasalubong yung isa niyang friend. kaso hindi sila nakabili kasi naging busy sila. so, ginawa nilang balisong yung title ng kanta na 'to-- in exchange sa pasalubong na dapat ay ibibili niya dun sa friend niya.

alam niyo na siguro yan, pero whatever. gusto ko lang ulitin para

inaanyayahan ko kayong magpersonality exam!

2006-04-14T04:35:00.000+08:00

it's so boring at home.

magdrowing, yan lang ang nagagawa ko sa bahay!

hayyy..

__________

INFPs never seem to lose their
sense of wonder. One might say they see life through rose-colored glasses. It's
as though they live at the edge of a looking-glass world where mundane objects
come to life, where flora and fauna take on near-human qualities.

Highly creative, artistic and
spiritual, they can produce wonderful works of art, music and literature. INFPs
are natural artists. They will find great satisfaction if they encourage and
develop their artistic abilities. That doesn't mean that an INFP has to be a
famous writer or painter in order to be content. Simply the act of "creating"
will be a fulfilling source of renewal and refreshment to the INFP. An INFP
should allow himself or herself some artistic outlet, because it will add
enrichment and positive energy to their life.

___________

If you're wondering, what an INFP is, well that's the personality type of yours truly based from the Jung test. this and the similar exams kept kimie and me awake til 5am once. they are that amazing!

i am encouraging all of you to take this personality exam!

[link] here's the exam link

[link] and here's one of the more useful sites to inerpret the results

dream fest!

2006-04-14T02:51:00.000+08:00

that is so great of you people. ignoring my post when it is too mushy.
hahaha.. honestly, salamat! you are encouraging me to stray away from such things. and even if you cant fully rob me off my right to be sentimental, at least i will not spill it here. at least.

ok, so let's get down to business.
kanina, sobrang dream fest ang tulog ko!

napanaginipan ko ang puerto galera at banana boat! wahaha.. natawa talaga ako kasi edi unang group daw muna yung sumakay tas part ng group na yon si kimie. tas sabi nia, akala lang daw madali pero napakahirap daw pag gumagalaw na! hahaha.. kinabahan tuloy ako! bka maulit ang trauma ko dahil sa ice skating eh. ewww!

anu p bang npanaginipan ko?
nakalimutan ko na pla yung iba. basta, habang nanaginip kasi ako, kinakabisado ko sila. kaso kasi anghaba na ng araw kaya nakalimutan ko rin. except ang panaginip na ito:

kasi may pwesto daw kami ni KATE sa divisoria. so weird. tas guess kung sinong customer namin?! si PARIS HILTON lang naman! wahaha.. tas inaapi-api daw namin siya. once nga may binili daw siya sa amin tpos binaba ko sa isang lalagyan yung shinopping niya tpos sabi niya sa akin na pasigaw kung bakit ko raw binaba yun dun. edi sinigawan ko rin siya na wag siyang maginarte dahil san ba siya nagsshopping, sa divisoria lang naman eh! tas edi yun nagtawanan kaming tatlo.

tas may second installment pa ang Paris Hilton dream namin. so parang naglakwatsa kaming 3 nila kate. ang-weird nga kasi parang laman ang diwa ko ng katawan ni Ashlee simpson tpos si kate ay nung isang finalist sa american idol.. hindi ko alam name eh. tas kumatok daw kami sa isang bahay tapos habang chinichika namin yung may-ari, pumuslit si Paris sa loob at nagnakaw ng 3 cherries! weird. o tapos bgo siya lumabas, nahuli siya kaya tumakbo kami.

last eksena with Paris. edi kumain naman daw kami tapos si kate, sabi nia may isshare daw siya. tas parang anseryoso nia talga. sbi ni kate, bababa daw from Baguio si lorine para kausapin kami na lumayo kay Paris. ayun..ewan angweird ah!

ay! naalala ko na ang pinakamahaba kong dream!

ayan pauwi na raw ako from sm tas nakatulog daw ako sa bus! at paggising ko, asa Valenzuela na raw ako. tas bumaba daw ako sa parang isang mall tas tinawagan ko si Papa para mgpasundo. edi pumasok muna ako sa mall. tapos naisip ko munang magbasa sa national bookstore. kaso, sa 2nd floor yung mga books. tas walang stairs sa loob ng store. so lumabas ako ng national at tinanaw kung san may stairs na malapit dun sa 2nd floor. tpos hindi ko mahanap yung stairs na nagllead sa 2nd floor ng national. kasi tuwing umaakyat ako, yung 2nd floor na napupuntahan ko ay isang lamay, as in patay. as in ilang beses nangyari yun. sobrang naffrustrate na nga ako eh! sa huli, hindi ko nakita yung tamang hagdan. pero nasundo rin ako ng tatay ko.

ayun..angweird.
well, yes, im that weird and i value strangeness!

"HE'S OUT TO PROVE HE'S GOT NOTHING TO PROVE"

2006-04-08T23:07:00.003+08:00

waw! Napoleon Dynamite was a blast (pun intended)!

tawa kami nang tawa ni kimie habang si kate ay tulog sa kabilang couch! andaming weird scenes na parang tinatanong ko na yung sarili ko kung tama ba ang desisyon naming panuorin ito. pero in the end, natapos rin namin at iniwan niya kaming nakangiti ng kimie (habang si kate ay tulog pa rin!)

nakakarelate ako kay Napoleon! hindi sa weird niang mundo, hindi sa kanyang red afro... pero dun sa mindset nia na taking no responsibility of fitting in. dahil para sa kanya, lahat sila'y mga mumunting f*cking idiots/retarded lamang! (kahit butterfly pa sila, idiots pa rin! wahahaha)

(pero sana naman ay hindi ako kasing bano ni Napoleon sa portraits!)

sa mga di pa nakakapanuod, panuorin niyo!
tas abangan nio si pedro!
anggwapo nun!!

________________________________________
just take me back to the start

just a simple thought.
a deux.
murmuring into my ears.
elevates onto a ringing
surrealistically changing.
lost control somewhere
under the moon's grief,
zapped myself wholly.
and now all i can do is pray:
"omit thou away."
jab me to my awakening
and tell me to get lost.
show me the pits of these
overacity is indeed unnerving,
not to mention decieving.

drowing lang ang lahat!

2006-04-05T16:50:00.000+08:00

i want a sudden change of image.

ginupit ko bangs ko! sadsad na siya.
maikli talaga.
pangit actually, pero masaya ako.
wahahahaha!

delikado talaga pag wala akong magawa!
hehehe..

pero pwede ko namang itago sa madla ang sadsad kong bangs kung gusto ko.
ang galing noh?
3-in-1 ang buhok ko.
parang kape.
mapait.

nonsense.

pinakita ko kay mama yung bangs ko tas tinanong ko sa kanya kung may nagbago ba. sabi niya, nagmukha daw akong 16 years old! hayyy..pathetic. isang taon lang ang nabawas sa age ko! nyihhh..

tapos sabi ko sa kanya, tignan niya yung pic kasi yun yung gusto kong gayahin na image. tas natawa siya ng malakas tas sabi niya:

"eh komiks yan eh!"

onga anna lee! gumising ka! drowing lang yan! eh bakit ba?! eh gusto ko talaga eh! tsaka drowing lang naman lahat eh. hah?! anggulo ko noh? onga.. parang ansaya kung drowing ka noh? pwede mong burahin ang mga mali sayo tapos pwedeng piliin kung sino partner mo, kung anung pose nio.. yikeeeeeee! hahaha.. ambaliw ko!

basta basta.. gusto ko ng bangs na sadsad.. huhuhu..kaso wala naman akong noo! Ruth! share..lagi kasi kayong nagrereklamo ni kate eh! hehehe

gusto kong bumalik sa pagkabata o kahit mas bumata man lang ang image ko! waaah! this is pathetic- to pursue something that contrdicts time, something that contradicts what the world conspires with. masyado silang makapangyarihan. gusto kong magpigtails! anung mga bagay ba tong mga pinag-iiisip ko?! ang-hirap kasi ng walang ginagawa eh!

<---finished product!
mukhang hindi successful! pero like what i've said, masaya ako!

_______
image by artgerm

get out of ignorance.

2006-04-04T00:13:00.000+08:00

ignorance should just be a transition state. it should not be a point where anyone would reside.

considering the determinist point of view (that all things are caused by something other than free will), containing yourself in ignorance will make you left behind. because if you continue to be unaware of everything or even just something happening around or inside you, the possibility of being washed away by other people's endeavors will surely come too often.

so take my advice here and be vigilant.

because remember, those people who tell you that ignorance is a bliss are either ignorant people themselves or cruel people wishing that you remain one so that they can push you in anyway they want.

______
photo by kittynn

(nakakakonsensya lang magnakaw sa mga artists ng wala man lang acknowledgements eh.. hannah! mang-acknowledge ka rin! hehehe)

let's pretend this is postsecret.blogspot.com

2006-04-02T04:04:00.000+08:00

tidbits

2006-04-02T00:34:00.000+08:00

maliliit na piraso ng mga nakaraang araw (in no particular order)..

nung friday, nagshooting sa amin ang Qtv tapos sumayaw ang baywalk bodies sa tapat ng bahay namin! OMG! andaming squatter boys na dumayo tapos hindi ako makalabas ng compound kasi susuungin ko kailangan ang daan na puno ng MABABANGONG mga bata... so great. eh nun pa naman, imimeet ko sila kate sa sm pero sabi ko sandali lang ako, pagdating na lang ako maliligo! gash! ambango ko pa rin kumpara sa kanila. GASH TALAGA!

hahaha! ang gwapo nung kapatid ng bago kong tito (kakakasal lang nila!). itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang joseph ainza (tagung-tago ah!). angganda ng katawan! malamang payat, ako to eh, hindi si imma! pero pag wala siyang shirt, defined ang muscles!

GASH! antanda ko na! kabilang na ako sa pwedeng sumalo ng bouquet! tas humirit ako sa photographer: "bata pa po kami, hindi pa po kami mag-aasawa!" at eto ang sagot sa akin:"ang bata, yung bagong panganak!" rarrrr.. at alam nio ba kung sinong nakasalo?! waaaaaaaaaaa! ako tas yung garter eh si joseph! waaaaa..

theoretically! yun dapat ang mangyayari kung hindi ako nag-follow up na hirit: "bigay nio na lang po sa kanila (dun sa isang bridesmaid na may jowa)!" tas utu-uto naman, binigay nga. sayang! may kiss pa naman! hahaha joke lang!

my creative zen nano is eating my time. crunch crunch.. (bwahaha! nakakaadik!)

yung chuva-chuva ko nung elem na bigla na lang nawala after ng grad namin ay ginoogle ko, tapos antaray! DOST scholar. tpos yung nanay niya na natapunan ko pa ng soup nung retreat namin ay councilor ng Lupao, Nueva Ecija.. alam nio ba kung saan un? samahan nio naman ako! please.. hindi pwedeng magpatuloy ang buhay ko ng di ko natutuldukan ang chuva-chuva na yon! yaaaaaack.. OA! SAMAHAN NIO KO!!! naniniwala na ba kau sa stalking powers ko?! clsu siya ngaun.. shit! sayang, walang people search sa site ng clsu!

sa sobrang pagkadesperate ko, pati drowing book ginawa kong diary. yay! excited na tlaga akong mamatay para makita na ng madla ang secrets ko! wheee

heaven finally dropped my parcel-- colored pencils!

2006-04-01T04:56:00.000+08:00

wheee..

i sketched this one last april 12th. i hate the guy's arm. somebody from deviantart commented that it looked uber short but im too lazy to fix it!

i know, i know.. the pose is weird.

_________________

"anyway, when the time comes, he'll just leave the job to pain once again. he'll make pain clot my wounds until my bleeding will subside due to the cold permafrost"

sa palagay niyo ba maiintindihan ng isang ten yr old girl yan? my sister read my drawing book, the one that served as my makeshift journal before. im so disturbed. i have to be a better sister to her or else.. or else.. i dont know.

(pay attention sa oras..haha)

2006-03-30T04:56:00.000+08:00

lame attempt at vector.

hahahahahaha

SUMMER

whee!

2006-03-30T03:14:00.000+08:00

it was not even a one nght stand.

i saw him once but i didn't fell.

i saw him twice and still i ignored him.

then, he saw me once. he saw each of us. innocence was all over our curious faces. and then he grinned, a devlish one.

and then finally, i fell, not in love but in the trap of reality.somewhere down the twisted road of my journey, i will eventually meet him, that we will face each other.

i figured that i must prepare myself. he must not caught me unwary.

once, twice, thrice, eternity.i tried. but i am an individual living in the comforts of the present.planning is not a part of my plans.

Oh, mister asyllogistic argument, why did you do this to me?why?!
why?!?!?!!?

you have destroyed the only dream i dream not because my heart screams it. you made me stay an hour longer just so you can indulge sucking up all the hopes i have. you almost gave a stiff neck. you made me go down the stairs staring up just so i can stop my watery eyes from pouring rain down my oily face. you almost made me cry while riding a jeep back to sm north. you even made me realize that the cash left on my pocket wouldn't be worth spending, because even money cant buy me passing grades for our dreaded meeting.

mr. asyllogistic argument, i have never met anyone like you. you are beyond compare-- from mr. patron-client approach, from mr. chiaroscuro, from mr. mcluhan. you, together with mr. quarks, you gained satisfaction as you watched me sigh in hopelessness.

how dare you!?

2006-03-29T05:53:00.000+08:00

i feel like posting.

but i dont feel like i can share anything i am thinking about.

i want to stray away from mushyness.

but my nocturnal self is not cooperating with me.

"i wish i could bury my recent thoughts and then light a
cigarette, enjoy the coughing of my virgin lungs and let nicotine be my object
of desire. at least, maraming sigarilyo sa tindahan, eh si _____ iisa
lang."

___________
my drawing, later. ayaw kasing makita yung smoke pag iniscan eh.. grr. anyways, wala naman kaung namiss maxado. it's not that special, but it makes me happy. nakakakonsensya kasi pag special ang nakakapagpasaya sa akin. ai naku! stoppit.

2006-03-29T02:01:00.000+08:00

HIV

(oh yes, we still exist.. still functioning! )

cordially invites you to

the mighty

HIV SUMMER OUTING '06

________

Anilao, Batangas

(particularly where? ahmm.. "it's too early to plan!"--kimie)

April 20, 21,22

(if we'll consider the church people's request)

or April 21, 22, 23

(if we'll prioritize our summer classes)

__________

for inquiries, just approach anyone

from us, EIGHT! we're eight! eight eight eight!

from left to right: kimie: kasi maikli ang hair, tsaka nahihilig siya sa ganung kulay ng damit nung nag-ukay2 kami// angeline: anu pa ba, kasi mahilig sya sa GREEN. kunwari na lang hindi pa xa nagpapasalon ah! // kate: kasi matakaw, este, kasi maraming pagkain sa bahay nila!

from left to right: Gelene: kasi hindi straight ang buhok! wahaha..(ESHEI!!!)// anna li: kasi parang yun ata yung pinakamaliit, tsaka baka kasi may magreklamo bkit maitim xa, kaya ako na lang yun! tsaka cute yung background--pool! SWIMMING!// Lorine: kasi may strawberry! hahaha.. peace! tsaka mahaba ang hair!

eto naman ang mga..

BOYS!

hahaha..

si leo yan! gwapo noh?

sino pa bang natitira?

hmmm..
before:

si RUTH! fave color niya kasi ang blue!

(ruth peace! hahaha, isipin mo na langganun kita ka-love! dalawa ang pics mo!)

hindi naman maxadong evident na wala akong magawa sa buhay ko noh!? na-feel ko lang na ansaya magka-vector art sa blog! hahahahaha.. SUMMER!

SAMA KAYO AH!

"ask me for some light and i wil set myself on fire."

2006-03-25T12:48:00.000+08:00

i haven't done anything that benefits my studies.
all i did was draw and draw and draw..
and surf. and blog. and sleep. and eat.

last night my prayer went like this:
"Lord please guide those people whose lives are not as idle as mine."

well, i hope everything went well with all of you:
Jonas, sna natapos mo yung paper mo
James, sna napatay mo na ang mother virus at matapos mo ang panpil papers mo with flying colors (edited, paimportante kasi eh! hahaha)
Leo, sna kayanin mo pa ang exams mo
Lorine, sna kung anuman ang dahilan ng pagsara ng blog mo, maayos na sna
Duduy, sna malampasan mo ang maniac monday mo
Hannah, sna matupad mo ang resolution mo
Kate, sna dont lose hope
Imma, sna maubos na exams mo, tska always smile!
at

o sino pa bang may pasanin dyan? share nio lang sa akin, wala kasi akong dala!

___________

binabaligtad ko na naman ang araw at gabi! nga pla, sa mga magdodonate ng journal..RED ALERT: 6 pages na lang..ahhh! dalian nio naman bumili!

2006-03-24T05:13:00.000+08:00

people see the world through different ways-- through numbers, through particles, through premisses and conclusions, through words, through lines and colors, through notes and rest, and through anything imaginable. but converging all these ways in order to see a unified version of what is the place we are existing is quite impossible.

these ways that light up our minds are of different wavelengths. although they coincide on some aspects, there are also contradictions. And these contradictions are proofs that perfection can never be achieved. even science would support me when i say that the universe is not perfect. just consider the existence of life. we are here because of an accident, a fault.

so what now?

i guess, the most probable thing that we could all do is accept the imperfections of this world we are assigned to live in, as well as everything in it-- including the imperfections of your romantic interest, of your parents, of the zits on your face, of the influence of the omnipresent constant that is time, of the vague concept of love, of the mood swings you experience, of the lovehandles in your belly, of the complexity of every situation you catch yourself in.

but accepting everything as what they are plainly is boring. you can stop there, yes. but you can also continue to seek the ideals behind these imperfections. you can question yourself, and by seeking answers you once again accept. then you can stop there or question the answer once again.

ideally, you should not bother if the answers you found are right or wrong, because remember, we are trying to accept imperfections here, including our frequent inability to detect what is right or wrong. but that is just an idea. of course, ideas thrive on the mind alone. and ideas are just stars that we gaze upon during a walk. it is still the road we travel in that we should focus the majority of our attention. and besides most of the time, ideas contradict our feelings. and then again, here comes accepting and stopping there or questioning this imperfection further.
i'll stop there.

you must not expect me to answer every imperfection there is. because like all earthlings,i am also bound by questions. ignore me if you wish. i'll just accept it.

by the way, dont confront me with the question that this view is just an excuse for people to make mistakes. you should have known as of now that even if we dont have excuses, we still commit mistakes. and i believe that making sense of these mistakes is better than just regeretting them and letting them haunt us.

i am not trying to dictate how you live your life here. i just want to provide a possible choice. and also, i want to air my own state. i somehow accepted that my present desire is of no question, impossible. and i stopped right there, for the mean time. through the example of this decision, if you wish to listen to my suggestion, i just want to tell you that accepting and questioning is a matter of trusting yourself, because you, of all people must know better what to do, and what to think.

what to feel?

ahmm... that's an imperfection and i dont seek any answer for that.

Cut out your heart and wear it on your sleeve. At least people will know you are half alive.

2006-03-23T01:21:00.000+08:00

(hahaha..walang kunek sa entry)

aii naku! wala na naman akong mata kakaiyak ko.. ahhh! hindi ko akalain na mapapaiyak ako ng ganoon dahil lang sa isang pelikula. parang mas marami pa yung volume ng luha na naiyak ko kesa sa iniyak nung lahat ng artista dun sa movie.. hayy.. ansakit sa mata.. may mga times pa nga na talagang humahagulgol na ako, na mas masakit pa yung iyak ko kesa dun sa iyak nung artista. aiii naku buti na lang at mag-isa lang akong nanunuod.. nakakahiya ang kaingayan ng iyak ko! these statements are not mixed with exagerration. ansakit talaga sa dibdib.

taas-noo kong sinasabi na hindi isang romance flick ang nagpaiyak sa akin. hindi ako umiyak dahil nakita ko yung heartbroken self ko dun sa major characters. hindi ako umiyak dahil naranasan ko yung pain nung mga characters. umiyak ako dahil yun ang dapat. wala nang iba pang dapat maging reaksyon sa movie na yun kundi umiyak. ahhhhhhh.. ansakit talaga. may subliminal messages ata ang pelikulang yon eh! wala akong makitang obvious reason eh..

ayy, hindi ko pa pala nasasabi kung anung movie yon..

magnifico. oh yesss.. yun nga. tear-jerker!

una kong narinig na nagsabing maganda ang movie na yon ay si chrystal. tagal na nun.. malas nga kasi nakwento niya yung ending. siguro kaya sobrang na-appreciate ko yung bawat eksena.. dahil alam ko na yung ending. never akong nanood ng cinema1 dati.. dahil lang sa magnifico. gusto ko kasing umiyak. sabi ko pa sa sarili ko, "naku, im sure iiyak ako dito! excited na ako!" oh men.. nung umiiyak na ko: "anu ba! tama na!" patas pa yan kasi may breaks yung movie, tipong titigil sa isang climactic part tas magsshowbiz news! nakakbitin nga eh.. pero umiyak pa rin ako ulit.

angganda nung movie kasi anggaganda ng mga characters na pinakikilala niya. walang kontrabida. walang tao na ikagaglit mo. walang kidnap scene, walang john lloyd-bea thingy(mga naiyak jan sa close to you ah!! hehehe).. angganda nung character ng bida, tpos galing pa umarte ni jiro. kasi yung character ginawa in such way na hindi siya iiyak para maiyak ka. sobrang na-amaze ako kay magnifico kasi napakabait niyang kuya. magbabago na nga ako kay RA..hehehe.. magiging mas mabait na akong ate!

actually, may kahati si magnifico sa fave charcter ko-- si carlo. hindi ko rin masyadong gets kung bakit eh. pero basta! favorite ko siya! dahil siguro sa.. teka! pag pinanuod nio na lang, isipin nio kung bkit ko siya favorite.(note: walang underlying mushy thing ang dahilan ah!)

anggaling ng script at plot. walang quotable quotes. kahit nga mga artistang naglulupasay sa iyak, wala. walang mga character na mala-philosophers kung magbitiw ng linya. naisip ko, naintindihan nung nagsulat na matalino ang audience na manonood ng pelikula, na kahit wla yung mga yun, eh mararamdaman pa rin nila yung urge na umiyak. at dahil nga sobrang talino ko, sobra rin ang pag-iyak ko! hahaha

hindi ko sinasabing panuorin niyo siya. kinukwento ko lang na napaiyak ako ng magnifico, na hindi pa rin ako manhid pagdating sa mga pelikula. basta kpag nalipat nyo sa cinema1 tas magnifico yung palabas, alalahanin niyo na yun yung movie na nagpaiyak sa akin. pwede niyo ring isipin kung gusto niyong panuorin. pero wag niyong pilitin ang sarili nio dahil lang sinabi kong maganda ah. at in case na-convince ko kaung manuod, please, damahin niyong maige ah?

it's worth your time.

__________
special thanks to kristahhhh... sa pagpapahiram ng internet card!

PURGATORIAL STATE

2006-03-19T04:56:00.000+08:00

my colored pencils, where art thou?

my new journal, where art thou?

i seek thee on my dreamless sleep..

where art thou?!?!

an idle life

2006-03-19T04:05:00.001+08:00

caloi told me that my life is idle and tht i have to busy myself in order to generate better days than what i was having for the past three days.

i tried.

but the position of whoever it is that would rule my mind is still empty. and so i obtained my so-called purgatorial state. my internal demons are fighting their way back on their baluarte that is me. but then my internal angels are not willing to lose their newly-found advantage associated with him. and so the struggle persists.

i am more inclined now with the good side.
(and i thank Jonas and David for calling me...i had so much fun conversing with you! sana matuloy ang libre mo david!!)

earlier today, i found myself deciding whether to post a very dark entry once again. soooooooooo dark that it would ruin almost every ray of light i have in my life. maybe i would post it someday for viewing purposes,i hope and not because i really mean it.

i even reviewed some related literature-- previous dark diary entries. but instead of relating my present state with what i had while i made them, i found the present as like as chalk as cheese.. different, dissimilar.

then i catched forty winks for three hours.
when i woke up, i reached for the bible i placed years ago near my bed (and haven't moved it since then). i read some passages and found them interesting. i promised myself, from now on i will make it more meaningful to my life.

this day is a struggle..struggle on finding the right side to align myself . i hope this struggle will cease soon because there are some nearing events that are far more important than this cure for such a disease called an idle life.

isa na namang kalokohan

2006-03-12T22:46:00.000+08:00

nakakainis..nagkamali ako ng pagppost!
sa lumang blog ko nalagay!

link na lang!
mighty lumang blog

kainis!
may bagong chuva drawing pa naman un..
frustrating ituuuuu.

madame rosa's prophecy

2006-03-08T00:12:00.000+08:00

"SCORPIO (Oct.23 - Nov.22)
nagbabalak ka bang lumyo muna kahit pansamantala sa iyong mahal? gawin mo dahil 'yon ang nararapat.
babalik ka pa ba?
oo, dahil sa paglayo mo, magigising siya sa katotohanan.
maswerteng kulay:
puprle maswerteng numero: 2, 18, 29, 31,35 at 37."

i saw this tabloid lying round our sofa just after i finally decided to give up on tim yap's hosting skills. it was risible, mr. yap. im sorry. i grabbed it and thought that i was so pathetic to be interested on such a trivial thing as a horoscope plotted by madame rosa. but i read it anyway.

this is so ridiculous-- making a blog entry about a horoscope and how it has affected me. so selfish. but anyway.. read on.

pangyayaring nagbunsod: i was pondering about it while i was sleeping. i remembered convincing myself that he was so easy to get out of my mind. almost the whole day, i was certain about this. even while i was talking about it, having heard myself, my stand was so firm-- that this is just something i could give up because right at the beginning, i know this is just a foreshadow of another disappointment.

and then at a humdrum moment of sitting somewhere secluded, i had an epiphany. the realization was nothing new to me. actually, it was too old to consider. and this was..the concept of caring for someone else's happiness. comprehend that. CARING for SOMEONE ELSE'S HAPPINESS. comprehend it.one more time.

i had been too selfish recently because i felt so used and battered. i felt that i was deprived of the happiness i deserve. i thought thinking things thoroughly would generate lesser pain. wrong. it just froze my life onto nothing but bitterness.

goodbye permafrost. thanks to madame rosa, i am now ready to stop my "pink sarong" subscription. thanks to you, now i know my winter has gone too long, way too long. the first part of my horoscope became my self-fulfilling belief. hope the other sentences too. never mind the lucky numbers and color.

________

epilogue:

i'll miss you when you do..

but im praying that you will.

everything with a vigan twist

2006-03-07T16:37:00.000+08:00

i dont want to reiterate everything i have experienced in vigan just so i can shout about how fun it was. it was such a different experience for me. it was not as i expected it to be.

kahit hindi namin nakita ang mga amazing sights na nakita namin, kahit hindi kami kumain ng masasarap na pagkain na kinain namin, kahit hindi kami tumira sa masayang resort na tinirahan, worth it pa rin siguro ang trip.

ang pinakanagpasaya sa akin ay yung mga companion. favorite friend ko ay si blondey! gustung-gusto ko yung ugali niya..kahit gusto niya pang manuod ng porn sa cable tv! hahaha..ansaya niya talaga kasama! noong una, akala ko hindi ko siya magugustuhan kasi parang antaray niya tas kinakausap lang niya ako para sabihing angganda ng mga suot ko pero later on, sobrang nagkasundo na kami! una naisip ko parang si tim yap talaga siya. sabi niya hindi raw niya idol yun..soulmate daw niya!

second favorite friend ko ay si james. hindi dahil cute siya ah! eh kasi mabait talaga siya kahit gusto niyang agawin yung jumpseat sa akin! tsaka kasi feeling ko gusto niya rin akong friend. hahaha..amfeeling ko talaga! tsaka basta, parang andali kong naiintindihan ang mga point niya. kaming 3 nila blondey, sa mga conversations about other people, parang nagkakaintindihan kami. tsaka nga pala, naappreciate niya kasi ang drawing skills ko! ahaha..am-bias ko noh?!

siyempre favorite friends ko rin sila arlen at ivy. ansaya nila kasama, lalo na nung sa pool, mga joketimes namin! ansaya!

actually, walo kami..yung dalawa naming kasama pa, hindi ko masyadong nagustuhan----hahaha! joke lang! si kate at hannah yun..ayun, same old kate and hannah! ahaha..im so blessed kaya, parang kahit hindi na pla ako nagdala ng pocket money makakasurvive ako! haha..pero salamat rin talaga sa inyong dalawa! alam niyo na iyon kahit di ko na ielaborate pa.

other people?
ayyyy naku, ayoko nang magcomment ng bad sa ibang tao. kasi hindi naman nila kami inaway. kahit pa nakakainis talaga ang pagiging papansin. hayyy..stoppit anna li.

basta! answerte namin kasi may surplus ng mga gwapo! hahahahahahaha..
yun lang ang masasasabi ko.

_____________

When I waited
patiently.
Just to have a
glimpse of the light
that
is not
meant for me.
----an excerpt from gelain's poem
gusto ko nang matapos ang stargazing na to. kaya ko kaya?

current dilemma

2006-03-03T00:09:00.000+08:00

kimie..para sau to. haha..

pero siyempre para sa akin rin.

ampathetic na ata masyado pero ayos lang!

andyan naman ang mga friends na walang sawang pinaparamdam sa akin na:

"ok lang yan, hindi ka nag-iisa..kami rin eh!"

wahaha..

bigyan nio na kasi ako ng faber castell colored pencils para magkakulay naman!

PLEEEEEEEEEEASE?!

sana white yung skin ko para hindi mukhang empty yung picture.

part away...fine.

2006-03-01T00:00:00.000+08:00

a concept constantly shattered by emotional instability won't stand anything.
a shallow pond has never fooled anyone.
an exhausting cycle, repeated
over and over can shatter the strongest morale.
a life lived with
uncertainties is always satisfying.
but a __________ like this, i NOW doubt
it if it's ever gonna be gratifying.

fill in the blanks.
part away.
do whatever you feel is necessary.
but don't think that i never considered this special. i always did.
but what d heck.
ka-cheapan.
we dont deserve this. all of us, including you.
we used to be better.

i have never put my own burden on any of your shoulders. when im hurt, i dont hurt anyone. i just hurt myself. dont treat me like this. i dont deserve it. at least not from all of you. i had been the best i could be to all of you. cant you see how i bleed right now? of course not. you only see yourself. i dont deserve this. pucha. pucha. you cant do this to me.

dont expect me to kneel in front of you, to beg you. i invested everything have on this. and now that you want your way out of here, where was everything i thought i have gained? you all think cutting myself because i was heartbroken was stupid. oh no no. that was not the most stupid thing i did.

know what it is?

believing and never doubting. not once.

part away. whatever.
you have no right to make me cry like this. i want to say that im through with this cycle.
but no.
i dont want this through.
i want this to be ok.
i just want to say that i have never expected to feel such pain, disappointment and rejection from the people who, i thought believed in me.

such a shame for us.
such pain for me.

OPEH HOUSE

2006-02-28T23:39:00.000+08:00

in this time of great confusion and chaos, ngaun natin kailangan ng love life. Bawat isa sa atin, kailangang ma-inlove para we'll be less interested sa kabulukan ng lipunan. (errr.. bat ba ako nagtataglish?!)

nagegets nio ba?
pag inlove taung lahat,

mas pproblemahin natin ang isusuot sa date at kung anung ireregalo sa monthsary ( hindi ko alam spelling! daaah... hindi ko naman kasi nararasan yan eh!)...
manghaharana kaysa sumigaw ng chant...
gagawa ng love letter kaysa sa banner
at higit sa lahat...maglllovapalooza kesa people power!

hayyy..nakakfrustrate na ang bansang itu! an-chuva masyado..

pasensya na kayo, wala na akong maisip na ibang paraan kaya ka-jologan na lang 'tong pinagsasasabi ko.

kanina, nahatak kami sa isang march, hanggang quezon hall lang naman. pero hindi.. hindi pa rin ako greatly moved. hindi pa rin ako masyadong interesado sa pagiging aktibista. sariling buhay ko pa rin ang iniisip ko sa 98% ng oras na nilalagak ko sa mundong ito..selfish!

how's me?
hayy..nakakakonsensya ng mga iniisip ko sa ngayon. kadiriiiiiiiiiiiii... kadiri talaga! ai naku! hindi na talaga nakakatuwa ang takbo ng predator mind ko. roarrrrr!

announcement sa mga friends na non-HIV:
hahaha...lam nio ba ang idea ng "open house"? yun tipong magpapapasok ka ng mga guests sa isang restricted area..

gusto ko lang i-apply ang idea sa journals ko! haha..wanna peek?

tag lang kau!

haha..wala lang akong magawa sa buhay ko. gusto ko lang magshare ng mga bagay-bagay.
sa HIV friends, ahhmm hindi na ito magiging interesante para sa inyo kaya exempted na kau! wag magtatampo ah!

when the light turns itself off

2006-02-27T01:56:00.000+08:00

is there really such a connection about me being born 3 days before halloween and the fact that i love dark things a lot?

tracing back the life i have lived, i cant find anything that could have brought my fancy for such colors. because even before the tragedy of him came unto me, i have always liked dark things. i dont really know why.

i seem so much of a happy person outside, laughing a lot and joking all the time. but something inside me eats everything i show, making a hollow dark space, making me think about dark things. i feel that i dont have the right to like things that exudes hate because i have such a happy life in general.

if people can only see how dark most of my journal entries are, they will know why i am bothered. i only ponder about my losses, my sadness and my fears. i dont content myself on the situation. i love to see the dark side of things. maybe beacuse i find this habit as a counter-attack to my personal theory that expectation kills. because by opening my eyes to the possibility of pain, i instantly widthraw my attachment to something.

i believe we all fear pain. but having endured so much during the tragedy of him entering my life, pain and i eventually became friends. we constantly encourage each other.

ahhh..the last paragraph contradicted everything i have written! now, that's the reason why i am bothered. i learned how to enjoy the pain lingering in me, as much as how i try to avoid it.

watever.

___________
One night there was something in my pants, like blood. My mom said, oh,
hell, your period. This is where all the trouble starts. She was right.

that line came from the movie prozac nation. that was not really my fave line. i cant find the exact words but my fave lines sounded like..

elizabeth asked rafe why he likes her and why he won't leave her.

rafe said: because there's nothing in you that you dont feel strongly to the depth of your soul..

something like that. i really found myself on that statement. i am desperately hoping for someone who could see me as that. but not a rafe, because eventually, rafe left elizabeth for that same reason.

sabi ko kasi sau, FIND ME na! hoyyyy.. find me!
ahhhhhhhhh..bat ka pa ba kasi nagpahanap sa akin ayan tuloy im deeply disturbed right now..
oo ikaw yun!
sino pa ba?

ang aking mga hiling:

2006-02-27T00:48:00.000+08:00

huhu..

nagiging habit ko na ang mag-online para lang tumingin sa deviant art. naiinggit ako sa kagalingan ng mga tao dun. nakakainsecure sila. angagaling nila. sana ganun rin ako kagaling!

mahal nio ba ako?

bigyan nio naman ako ng colored pencils oh! yung faber castell ah..sige nah! gusto ko talaga!

please?

tsaka nga pla, mauubos na yung journal ko, 14pp na lang! bigyan nio rin ako! sigeeeeeeeeeeeeee nah!

tsaka kung marunong kayo ng vector art, turuan nio naman ako! naffrustrate na ako... hayy..ambilis ko ata m-frustrate sa mga bagay ngaun. pati pagiging 17 ko pinoproblema ko. eh kasi eh! gusto ko manood ng brokeback! my DVD ka ba? peram!

___
it's weird how things turned out. finally, "it" has crossed the line. im thinking about it almost all the time. it's kind of exhausting that i am repeating the pathetic cycle. im making myself laugh again. this make-believe joke will again haunt me someday. but i really can't help it. it's such a fairy tale, minus the they-lived-happily-ever-after thing.

my last wish for this entry is simple, yet impossible:
FIND ME.

hauntings

2006-02-26T00:38:00.000+08:00

"I Miss You"

(I miss you, I miss you)
Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
We'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends

(I miss you, I miss you)
(I miss you, I miss you)

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)

(I miss you, I miss you)